Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady

Marriage?

2012-02-10T21:53:00.007+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Lately I'm so into this saying :

"HARAM jika jadikan wanita itu kekasih tetapi tiada niat untuk nikahinya."
-Ustaz Azhar Idrus-

In my humble opinion that is so, truly TRUE. In a much better Islamic way of view, actually, to be in a relationship is still considered prohibited because everybody knows that the likelihood for those partners to commit so many wrongdoings is high, just soaringly high. Kerana itulah bercinta sebelum bernikah adalah bukan sunnah Rasulullah s.a.w. =)

However, I still believe that ustaz Azhar mentioned so because he is aware of the fact that the truth about people to get themselves into a relationship is inevitable. Cannot be resisted, or denied even. Though the Earth is round, the land is still wide. Though the water is deep, the sky is still high. People meet and people greet, people know and people judge. Same goes to this, that people choose and people marry, the tie that bound.

Cause to meet is to judge and to judge is to choose.

So when the decision has finally been decided, only then will they be satisfactorily satisfied plus gratefully grateful cause they knew that they've just chosen the right partner for them to spend for the rest of their lives together. Sharing the sadness and delightfulness, be there still regardless of how hard the obstacles may be, or how joyfully smooth will the bond be. To share tears and smiles together, that's the most wonderful thing for these people called men and women, husbands and wives. Selagi jodoh masih ada, jika jodoh sentiasa berkekalan, Insya Allah.

But, still!!

"Yang dah couple tapi akhirnya bernikah, wajib bertaubat juga dosa-dosa couple lepas."
-Ustaz Azhar idrus-

Memang banyak dosa berlaku bila dah bersama, jadi renung-renungkan lah. =) Whatever it is that we're doing in this world, we have to do them for the sake of Allah, not the world. Ustaz Nasaruddin emphasised on that just this early morning, and it get right directly into my mind. I know I'm not that good to say this, but I'm doing this for good. Setiap dosa yg kita lakukan adalah kerana keterlanjuran, jadi adalah wajib utk kita bertaubat, berubah ke arah kebaikan. Therefore once the marriage is done and the tie that binds is bound, it is BEST OF BETTER for the husband and wife to lead each other to the right path toward Allah, mendapatkan keredhaanNya selagi masih ada nyawa dikandung badan.

Which is the reason why I really pray and hope that someday when I get married and have a husband, he's going to be the person, the one and only to lead me properly with high responsibility. For my heaven will then lie under the feet of his, Insya Allah.

I think that's it for now. To talk about this, reminds me of my baby. Remember what our goals are? ;) May they come true, if Allah wills. I really am praying for them and I know that from afar, silently sweetie, you're doing the same too. ;)

I'm out bye-bye.

Tense.

2012-02-10T21:06:00.003+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Know this weekend has been dayyum hectic for me, especially. Like serious sheet to gosh, exhaustingly exhausting. I have tonnes of work to do, all must be completely done in a real, quick period. To bear with them really makes me feel like screaming my lungs out, intestines even.

I am tensed, like obviously, stressed out.

Just a little patient, I still have faith in some ways. Astaghfirullahalazim. Wish me luck in this whole, excruciatingly painful journey of tasks. And by the way, PSPM 2 is coming real soon. 17th of April will the day be, and I, Nur Zafirah Razali am going to strive for the best of the better in a bid to replace the remorseful stupid mistakes I had made last time.

PS : Yalah susah mun hati lembut gilak ngn orang, oh? Polah tok sik kempang polah ya sik kempang. Kakya orang lain gik jd pengempang. By the way, sik ku maok bersama ngn kau gik. Once would be adequate, take note will you?

I'm out bye-bye.

Rindu.. ='(

2012-02-08T14:11:00.006+08:00

Hello Human. :D

So I just got back yesterday, evening. Maybe this is a normal sickness of me to be experiencing homesick, cause I had already spent almost a fortnight at home, minus 3 days and a half when I had to go back to college for UPS 2 hurr.

Sungguh, sangat-sangat homesick!!

I miss my home. My family, of course. And my baby. I didn't get the chance to see my friends at all due to one another's pack schedules so I was just fine with that hehehe. You know that day when I went out with Eyra, Esther texted asking whether or not I was at home. Unluckily I wasn't. She had the intention of giving me cheese tarts, originally made by her mum lusciously which were once my addiction last time during high school HAHA. So yeah I didn't get the chance for those, and Esther said, "More for me then!" Haha screw you darlaaa! =P

My sickness of missing my family isn't really that high cause I know that they're gonna visit me this early March, YAY. And we're gonna spend some days in KL, together with my abang and again, YAY. March please do come earlier okay rindu sudah ni hehehehe.

Thus it's my baby whom I miss the most. Like, dayyum, real bad. We didn't really spend our time together though, just a several times. KGS with O'ong, SCR, his place. Maybe that should be enough anyway, it's just me feeling unsatisfactorily unsatisfied adequately for that haha. Ish jadilah ya keluar bertemu berapa kali, said my mom hahaha. =P

But serious to gosh, I MISS YOU SO DAMN MUCH! =(

We spent a few nights together, on the skype. TAKE NOTE! Stop pushing your brain for dirty thoughts haha. Sang a few songs, expressed confessions and tummm! Slept~ Kekekeke. Terjaga sebab ada org berkeroh koh, sapa kh oh? Kmk kh bby ohh? Hahahahaha. =P

Flashback :

Bby : Bby dengar lagu tok ah, mek berlagu k bby k.
Me : Ok b.

Music ~ and he started singing together with the hand gestures, eyes and smile. ;)

"Dia, benar hanya dia.
Ku selalu memikirkannya, tak pernah ada habisnya.
Benar dia, benar hanya dia.
Ku selalu mengimpikannya, belaian dari tangannya.
Mungkin hanya dia, harta yg paling terindah,
di perjalanan hidupku sejak derap denyut nadiku.
Mungkin hanya dia, indahnya sangat berbeda.
Ku haus merindukannya.

Ku ingin kau tahu isi hatiku,
kau lah yg terakhir dlm hidupku.
Tak ada yg lain hanya kamu,
tak pernah ada, takkan pernah ada."

And other few songs. ;) That one's just the intro hehehe. Hardly forget that night, seemed so plain but actually so full of wonderfulness I kid you not. Felt like crying but I could just smile. He thought I was bored but actually I was not! ;) If I smiled but kept myself quiet that was not due to boredom but it's because I was just screaming inside my heart, was deeply touched. Please be informed okay bby? ;)

Hmm rindu. ;(

I'm gonna trust you, bby. By hook or by crook, I will. We promised that already didn't we? I know it's hard for me to bear with my own emotions and sensitiveness due to what had happened in the past, but it's worth trying in some ways. If even you yourself could bear with mine, I as well believe that I could also bear with yours. To give and to take, remember?

Sorry bby, if I've pushed you too hard, too much. Was being too selfish I shall say and for that I really am, sorry. Maybe I should learn how to tolerate, re-think first. Refresh refresh refresh stop hitting repeat peat peat peat peat.

I'm done by now. Homesickness I hate you. Distance I loathe you. Homesickness and distance hey I abhor plus despise you two I immensely do.

Flashback :

"Tapi nang seriously bby eh, long distance relationship sucks!" -Nasri-

Agreed.

I'm out bye-bye.

Terima kasih kerajaan!

2012-02-07T00:17:00.004+08:00

Hello Human. :D

I went to MPH The Spring yesterday with Eyra, since it would be the last day for me before going back to KMS today hurrrr. Gonna miss Kuching like a whole, excruciatingly painful lot!! See you in two months plus more Kuching! Cause I don't feel like going back again after this, will be back only after I've done with this matriculation programme of mine. =|

I got RM200 book voucher, proudly announcing here fyi hehehehehe. Well it's not like I'm the only one who got it, others too. IPTA students, the most. Since the voucher will be expired this upcoming March, why didn't I make use of it? Well I did! Yesterday was the day~ =P

Those are the mere books I bought. Been yearning really yearning to do reading again! Novels, especially. How long was that since I last read Chasing Windmills ish ish ish. But still, I'll be reading those ONLY after I am no longer a matric student. Pehe dok? SELEPAS MATRIK SAHAJA OKAY! Hahahahahaha. Adui~

Anyway!! Thank you so much kerajaan Malaysia kerana memudahkan kami anak-anak Malaysia! Hehehehehe Malaysia dihatiku selalu sentiasa selamanya~ ♥

I'm out bye-bye.

For you. =)

2012-02-06T21:22:00.011+08:00

Hello Human. :D

“This is for the girls who don’t always win. The girls who stay up all night listening to music that inspires them. The girls that laugh, smile, cry and think all on a daily basis. The girls who love, learn and regret. The girls who may never have it easy. The girls who learn the hard way to live and tell about it. They are, the real girls.” -Unknown-

Some say girls can never be like boys because they're weak. Some say girls are the weakest creatures on Earth, all they know is just to cry and mourn over something that's gone, adequately said and done. When they regret over something they'll feel like serving themselves right. Remorseful that they could not turn back the past and change everything, they'll feel like extremely stupidly unbright.

But still they carry on their lives and as time goes by, they indeed, do get stronger.

If you're reading this, you who know who you are, I just need to tell you that first and foremost if you're hurting, I'm truthfully sorry for that I really do. This is nothing about making you a rival of mine, what more to say a foe. Nothing about competing, nothing about launching a war. I hold zero grudges against you, I feel no loathing toward you. Not at all. We share the same heart that yearns for a love of merely one man, but somehow the law of nature can never be given any objections that we both have to give and take, swallow and accept whatever it is that is destined for us regardless of how joyful or painful they are.

Because that's called a challenge in life, a test by Allah.

The Earth spins. Life has its ups and downs, so do ours. When you're at the lowest ground that means nothing about not letting you to stand up, highly up in the air for the rest of your life. I may be in the first position right now but I'll never know, or maybe even notice a glimpse that as I turn around, I'll witness you stepping a thousand steps ahead of me. Remember, ones who fail once will never be the ones to fail twice and though the fast runners run quick, still slow and steady wins the race. Which is just why the myth of The Rabbit and The Tortoise is created.

I am aware of the truth that it's hard for you to accept the fact regarding yourself experiencing a one-sided love where you're hoping so much, too high that in the end the hopes killed you alive and stabbed your heart right in the middle of its four chambers, ripping them apart one per one. I in fact do understand you, a whole lot because I'm also a girl, soft hearted just like you. Our tears are too moist that they find difficulties in drying themselves quick before they get even moister, clump together before silently roll down our cheeks like a downpour.

But we have something not in common, guess what it is? You're stronger than me, which is just why I respect and salute you highly. You're dayyum persistent and spiritually high, you give no damn about the concepts of to give up or giving in. As long as they're still opportunities and chances you'll fight for them to bits. Though you stumbled umpteen times you stood up a million times, though your heart cracked you glued them back. You're such a knight in shining armor, that even if your horse died you still dared to step onto the ground and had no qualm to fight for what you think is right.

And which is just why, I feel sorry for myself for not being as tough as you.

I'm thankful that you can still give consideration, grateful that you can still have toleration. I like you for being real generously kind, and I admire your true powerful strength. You smile even if your heart cries, you take a deep breath even if your lungs and trachea allow you not to. You're a strong, tough girl and please be informed that not everyone on Earth can be as strong as you, which is just why you're different and unique. Maybe you think you're not good enough for a certain something, perfectly imperfect to carry on a few things but have you ever taken into a serious ponder that you can turn a little thing to be the most enormous something you would have ever had in your entire life? Allah knows while we know not. =)

A high gratitude of mine to be expressed and shown to you for wishing for the delightfulness of both me and him, sincerely. I was touched by each and every word of yours that I appreciate them a lot. Though it's not me who you're confessing those to, I still regard it as a part of an honest confession given by a sincere friend of my boyfriend's and for that I thank you, so much. You were there for him, always readily standing by when I was absent and gone. Be alert of whatever things he's going to say, regardless of how dull or bright they would be. If I am over judging, I'm sorry. But in my humble opinion and point of view, I just frankly think so. You're a good companion, a sincere friend.

Dear girl, though I do not know you that much, I hereby pray and wish for your delightfulness in life as a return for wishing ours. Keep yourself stronger cause you just taught me how to be like one. Though it's done in silence, you never knew how much I've learnt from you. Insya Allah someday you'll find your real Mister Right, whom you'll regard as the most preciously special someone you've ever had in your entire splendored life. And I believe that by then, a guy like him won't let go of a girl like you.

And by the time when the moment finally happens Insya Allah, for that, I'll be the first person to congratulate you. =)

Fyraz, sincerely.

I'm out bye-bye.

Salam maulidur rasul.

2012-02-05T21:02:00.010+08:00

Hello Human. :D

SALAM MAULIDUR RASUL SEMUANYA. Semoga kita bersama-sama menjejaki keindahan sunnah Rasulullah s.a.w dan berusaha berubah ke arah kebaikan. Insya Allah. =)

I hereby am announcing that I'll be back to KMS in two more days, dan kemungkinan takkan balik lagi sampai habis matrik!! Aduhai~ Won't be celebrating my baby's birthday lah retinyaaa.

Okay as for this post, little much do I have to mull over and rant. I just feel like posting, that's it. Time has passed so fast no? Yesterday I cried, today I smiled. Yesterday I laughed, today I screamed. Yesterday I broke up, today I tied the knot back hehhehehehehe. Not to mean getting married, more or less like to get back something that's missing. A day before today, supposedly.

Bby : I'm waiting...
Me : Bby dh makan?
Bby : Jgn tuka topic please..
Me : Hehehehehe.
Bby : I'm waitinggggggg...
Me: Waiting pa gik??
Bby : Kmk dh bh ari ya nk, mok bby gik lah. Brapa kali dh mek knk reject. Bby gikkkk...
Me : Bby ngn sapa umh?
Bby : Jgn tuka topikkkkkk..

Silence.

Me : B..
Bby : Hmmmm...
Me : Sudikah kau menjadi milikku yg sah sekali lagi?
Bby : Hehe. Aku sudi menjadi milikmu yg sah.
Me : Sekali lagi??
Bby : Ehh aok. Aku sudi menjadi milikmu yg sah sekali lagi my Nur Zafirah baby.

So the knot is tied back, just as simple but meaningful as that hehehehehe. Waited for 2 months in agony, tried to move on but to no avail. Called but left unanswered, texted but left unreplied. Confessed "I miss you my Nur Zafirah bby..=(" but being replied "Ok, thank you for that." Dedicated 'She's Gone' and 'Demi Cinta' and being responded "Thanks.." Proposed a thousand times but rejected a million times. Like that like this, like this like that.

Know I had been dayyum egoistic and mean to you and for that I am truly, deeply, so sorry. I'm sorry for the tears you shed. I'm sorry for the loneliness you would get. I'm sorry for letting you down. I'm sorry for leaving you with frown. I'm sorry. Truly sorry. But I did miss you, please always be informed about that. Deeply deep in my deeply deep heart's core! Though I acted like I didn't care, I actually did I really did. I just refused showing it. =(

Okay done with all these emotional thingy. Mulakan lembaran baru ok. ;)

I deactivated my old Facebook account a few days ago and proceeded making a new one, but it's just for a while and got deactivated back again then. Cause I promised myself right after UPS 2 I would deactivate it and get it reactivated only after I have done with my matriculation programme this upcoming May. It's not that long, because we never will know how fast will the time fly. Be it today I'm composing this post, but then with just a blink of an eye how can I ever know that the next day I'll be sitting for my first PSPM 2 paper? Nightmare.

Anyway, I just had a new Twitter account. Know this sounds lame cause I just got myself involved with twitterisme but please be informed, my main purpose of having the account is just because that I want to follow Syamsul Yusof and have myself updated with his updates HAHAHA.

And I was labeled KEJERON by my bby for that. -.-'

I'm out bye-bye.

Hijab.

2012-02-02T22:24:00.003+08:00

Hello Human. :D

It's been a week, almost a fortnight I suppose.

Flashback:

"Kmk mok baby pake tudung boleh sik?"
"Dalam kolej jak kh?"
"Aok, tp mun keluar pun pake juak bagus gik."
"Sik mok mek eh camya. Mun pake tudung biar permanent nak, pahal dlm kolej jk pake tapi kat luar sik. Apa kedak ya malas mek eh. Mek sik ready gik bh mok pake."

We once quarreled because of that, remember? Hahaha.

Recent:

"Mek mok padah something boleh sik?"
"Padah lah, apa?"
"Emmm. Mek mok pake tudung aih. Mala pike ya jak. Mek rasa mcm dh mena2 ready dh kinek tok."
"Baguslah mcm ya. Sik jaik bh bby pake tudung, kacak gk ada. Dari dolok gk mek dh suruh pake tp gik maok juak nk rasa kacak sik mok pake."
"Ne ada mek camyaaaaaaa."

HAHAHAHA. Alhamdulillah, it's nearly been a fortnight since I started to wear hijab. I had this intention like a few weeks before the midsem exam started, so I felt really like wearing it soon. The sooner the better, said my mind. The intention was pure, I knew it's not a pass-by one for it genuinely came naturally, sincerely . That was like two weeks before I went back to my hometown for study week, I purposely took the time to really think whether or not I really was gonna wear hijab once I got back from Selangor and reached Kuching.

So that evening as I reached my hometown, I assumed that would be my last time to go out 'freehair'. The next day I started to wear hijab just to go to a store, a fresh start I shall say. Being honest to gosh I felt really, really, really dayyum awkward. I felt like laughing to myself but I couldn't do that. Well okay I did but still it didn't weaken my spirit hehehehe. The extra oddly awkward situations kept bombarding me, attacking my mind, launching a war between my own thoughts and conscience. Could I ever describe? Briefly, in a much Islamic way, the shaytaan kept me agitated from time to time.

Where there's a will there's a way, goes the saying. I wouldn't give up to my creeds, still I forced myself not to be influenced by any whisper of evilness. Err, think I've been metaphorical enough by now hahahaha. Well that's it, all I can say. But hey, a few days later the feeling of awkwardness vanished though! Like, as if, I've been wearing hijab since forever like ever since a long long longgggg time ago. Get what I mean? I felt comfortable already with that new something laaa hehehehe. Alhamdulillah. ;)

"Jangan pakai tudung semata-mata nk pergi ke sekolah, kelas, majlis. Pakai tudung sebab itu satu kewajipan. Sebagaimana kamu tahu solat fardhu 5 waktu tu wajib, mcm tu jugak dengan menutup aurat lebih2 lagi utk kaum perempuan."
-Ustaz Nasaruddin-

That was like one month back, and frankly those were the words that woke me up. The feeling that I had when I heard him saying that truly was like as if I just received doses of electricity flowing through my body, the whole cycle completely. Sungguh, terasa sungguh.

Alright it's just been two weeks, not that I'm intending to brag or boast about this new appearance of mine or anything cause I just want to share and tell. Fyi even I myself am still hoping and praying so that this 'hijrah' of mine will last longer, insya Allah. So you see, to change is never easy especially when we're aware of the fact that we're changing for our own good, that we do know that something must be turned differently in a bid to make things to go better in the future and afterlife. Manusia tidak hidup selamanya di dunia, maka berubahlah untuk kebaikan. =)

Because I am still a human who would never, ever stay free from committing mistakes in my whole entire life.

I'm out bye-bye.

Will it still feel like it?

2012-01-24T00:17:00.007+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Still feels like our best times together....

Flashback :

"Kmk janji akn usaha dapatkn ktk gine2 pun. Kmk mok mendominasi semua, ktk faham nak?"
"Walaupun benda ya akan hurt ktk? Kmk sik mok berik ktk harapan tinggi gilak. Mek lom ready gik."
"Kmk faham gilak2 ya. Take your time. Mek akn tunggu ktk."
"Walaupun lamak?"
"Aok."

That was like a few months before we declared our official relationship, remember? It took me three months plus just to have myself prepared totally to be in a relationship again.

Have you ever wondered why I finally chose to be with you in the end?

It was because of your courage, patience, and your spirit of to never give up. You lighted up my life because of those, you made me believe that you really would be the one. You really did in fact, and I fell for you deeply because of what I trusted about you the most, and what I believed in who you truly are.

I tried, forced myself not to trust you yet. Not at that ease. I hesitated a lot, I stepped forward and backward umpteen times. Be with you, not to be with you. Accept you, reject you. Be yours, befriend you. Should I, should I not. Can I, can I not. This, that. That, this. See how doubtful I was? But in the end, I finally did and 22nd of November year 2009 was the day. Why?

Because my heart believed in you. My soul trusted you.

Faint heart never won fair lady, goes the idiom. I have always been inspired by the idiom since forever, know what it means? To succeed one must have the courage to pursue what he wants....

...............so yes because of that I fell for you. The idiom and you, you guys were bonded real tight.

But things have changed though. Now are we still together? Am I still yours, are you still mine? Do we still do inform each other anything? Do we still have zero awkwardness when we talk? Do we still have the bond? Obviously no. A big no. It's almost 2 months, why couldn't we just fix everything up and repair the bond again? Why couldn't we just start afresh and be together again? Why could not we start new again? Just again and again?

Because I haven't seen the light of the spirit yet. I didn't see the patience. I could hardly feel the courage. Being frank, those are the three things that I've been seeking for ever since 3/12/2011 started. Courage, patience, spirit. Where are they, to where have they lost? Why did they vanish, why wouldn't they last longer? If they were all lighted up before, then why now they are not? Just dayyum, dim darkness.

Cause I am indeed experiencing the same dilemma again. Whether or not to accept whether or not to reject. Either to stay or go. Either to be or not to be. I am seeking for those three things, desperately. I need them back. I honestly would never tell how desperate I am seeking for those, because I wanted it to be natural and genuine as sincere comes from the heart. Things like that, you should know yourself. The three things I used to see lighting up enormously inside you last time, now I see none of them.

And that's why, you and me again, that is not happening still.

Things got changed a little extreme even. Those courage, patience and spirit aren't only gone, they've already been eliminated as well. Thus can I ever tell how my heart broke into pieces? Can I ever say how my tears flew like a river? Can I ever mention how my voice hit my throat real hard just to scream out loud? This shouldn't have been the exact way like it is now. I can hardly face this. I really cannot.

Ya Allah. How can I ever face this and accept this kind of fact for the rest of my life. ='(

"Walau hati ini terus menangis menahan kesakitan ini, tapi ku lakukan semua demi cinta."

Kmk x pnh mintak kita jd mcm tok. Kmk cuba pertahankn sekuat mek mampu. Bila xda gk, ssh mek mok cyk. Bila dh ilang, ssh mek mok lupak. Kmk x berani bkn bermaksud mek xmok gik. Mek x bersedia bkn bermaksud mek dh buang. Kmk lom dapat bkn bermaksud kmk x akan dapat.

Kmk x berani sebab mek mok ktk berani. Kmk x bersedia sbb mek mok ktk bersedia bersabar. Kmk lom dapat sbb kmk mok ktk dapat lok semangat ktk.

Courage. Patience. Spirit. Kita bersama finally dolok sebab ktk ada semua ya.. =')

Thanks my dear blog for being the one and only place for me to express and confess.

I'm out bye-bye.

Dusty.

2012-01-16T21:03:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Long time I suppose? Haha. I discover lotsa dust inside here. *berkasik hehehehehe*.

Life has been dayyum hectic recently, I'm having tonnes of work to be done and completed just as soon as possible yadadaa. Tutorials, reports, research project, lecture notes exercises, question banks, workshops, past years queries and all that dammit they are torturing and killing me alive, really. Can't I just bang my head to the wall real hard?

Okay astaghfirullahalazim. Sepatutnya aku sabar hehehehehe. ;)

You know our MUET results are out already? I achieved Band 4, based on 200 total score of marks. It was my writing test, actually that let me down. Not to say that I was being over confident lamely, but I just think that the result is somewhat odd. Eh or was it because of all those things I wrote? Or my format? Or my handwriting? But truthfully, I followed the format exactly. So what exactly did I do wrong?

I'm sending my paper to be re-checked, my English lecturer's suggestion so I'll have it done real soon.

By hook or by crook, please be informed! I am sincerely grateful for that. Alhamdulillah. ;)

Frankly, I am experiencing something new now. More or less like suffering from it though, which is a new disease namely random-emotion-mood sickness. Founder, Nur Zafirah Razali aged eighteen. I prone to be feeling down like real easy, even a single simple thing turns my sensitive nerve on right at ease. I just feel like crying as my heart is aching, even if my lips curve a smile at anyone. But hey, does that even a sincere one?

I feel like so small, you know. Like I'm just a tiny little creature living on Earth, in a big population where there are big huge creatures all around me. Alright I know this sounds so yuckily emo, derr shall you say. No secret that's how I feel, I am just trying to tell in a much simpler way metaphorically. Not at all times anyway, just sometimes so that's why it is defined random. When I'm feeling fine I'll be like in a real excited state, try to justify and see how sock do I look when I'm not feeling okay and heck in an extreme lowest state. Eh can't I just define myself an electron that spins around a nucleus?

Help me find a cure for this sickness I'm suffering from, pretty please?

I am trying and striving and struggling. I cannot be down at all times can I? Life goes on so move on. Dayyum those scars and wounds, they'll heal. But when? Sheet they take time, and the duration will be like, oh my fog you pain.

Tapi, still! I believe that Allah has something in store for me. Okay langit tak semestinya akan selalu cerah, sebab itulah awan mendung sentiasa datang, kadang-kadang hujan, adakalanya disekalikan dengan dentuman guruh petir dan kilat sabung menyabung tumm tumm tumm. Mena sik?

Sebab... Setiap yg berlaku pasti akan ada hikmahnya. =)

Insya Allah.

I'm out bye-bye.

Maka menjelmalah tahun baru. =)

2011-12-31T22:44:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Alhamdulillah, I am home. Home sweet home, goes the saying. So my plan worked out well, about making a surprise to my family that I'm going back without their knowledge hehehehe sorry mak bapak. =P

They did not get mad, they're grateful instead. ;)

What more can I say? 2011 is about to end, a few hours more to go before 2012 comes. I'm feeling quite sad that time had flown real fast, perhaps at breakneck speed, now it's nearly new year. 2011 had been a real challenge for me. My SPM results, IPTA results, PSPM1 results. They really seriously did test my patience, alhamdulillah I could go through all those obstacles and tests regardless of how painful they were.

My hope for now, this new 2012, I need something new. For me, my family, people around me, my beloved ones and all. I admit that I'm getting older, as well as everybody, including even the Earth itself. Things grow up, get older, we never knew. Wallahualam.

Somehow I wonder, will 2012 be something really new for me? I guess it will. Perhaps they'll be no "Selamat tahun baru baby Nur Zafirah Razali, semoga hubungan kita berkekalan."

Rindu, really. But I couldn't force or even rush myself, nor my heart itself. I just do not know, I have no idea really no idea to think what actually exactly is wrong with me. Is it just my mind, or is it my heart that matters?

I need no emotional stuff since I have to be delighted that 2012 is coming, but however I just could never resist it. Whatever it is, I am grateful that I'm still alive to see 2012 coming, grateful that I am here gathering with my family, and most of all I'm grateful as I've just learned that nothing lasts forever. =)

Redha itu menerima dgn ikhlas. Pasrah itu menerima dgn hati yg berat, sakit.

Redha kah aku? Atau pasrah kah aku? Atau kedua duanya? Hanya Allah yg tahu. =)

Selamat tahun baru everyone. ;)

I'm out bye-bye.

New Year eh?

2011-12-15T14:33:00.003+08:00

Hello Human. :D

So I'm having this pretty kind of plan on my mind. What's it? I'll tell you only when it's already done perfectly alright hehehehehe. =|

New year, new something. New year, new life? A fortnight plus a few days more before 2012 comes. I'm getting older, don't you think so? Hahaha. Need to do something for my future earlier, otherwise 'regretto' will be my new best friend forever. =|

Have I ever told you how hectic my college life is? With packed schedules and stuff, how 'derr' lah. Really have to do something to manage my time and have a good time management, at least. =|

THANK GOD CUTI HARI ISNIN BANYAK. =|

And have I ever informed you that UPS is like a month plus away already? Seriously, I have to be prepared. Semester 1 had taught me too much, I won't keep hitting repeat peat peat peat peat. =|

Tutorial. Lecture Notes. Reference Books. Ktk org kwn aku kinek tok. Iboh palat ngn kawan k? Hahahaha. =|

Sorry I feel like crapping a lot right now. Why ah? =|

Okay how many straight faces am I going to express?!

PS: Rindu Kuching sumpah. Semua org balit jak2 jeles aih. Aku mok juak eh.

I'm out bye-bye.

Lunar Eclipse

2011-12-11T21:07:00.006+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Did you know that lunar eclipse appeared last night? I was in my room, alone when Miza asked me to join her and the others to Dataran Kosmik to watch the eclipse. I didn't even expect that it's gonna be tonight and in fact, I knew not about it at all haha.

So we went to Kosmik, together with all those junk foods as if we're gonna have a picnic hehehehe. Found a suitable place, we sat and waited till the clouds vanish to give us the chance to witness the eclipse ourselves.

Hanna & Miza

Miza, Hanna & Miza. Ada 2 Miza k? ;)

Almost one hour and a half of waiting, finally we got to see it! Subhanallah, it was really really really nice. With reddish orange in color spotted with a bright shade near to it, I was amazed, I was captivated, I was impressed you name it. For real, that was my very first time of witnessing one of the wonderful creations of Allah. I was truthfully grateful, Alhamdulillah. I called my mom, informing her about that and how I wished I would be watching it with my family at the moment.

We laid down on the wide Dataran for adequately half an hour, watching the beautiful view of the moon getting to pass behind the Earth so that the Earth blocked the Sun's rays from striking the Moon which theoretically equals to Lunar Eclipse. And stars were there too, scattering all over the sky. Shone brightly, twinkling wonderfully. I smiled the whole time, praised to Allah for the amazing moment that I knew would rarely occur often.

The Moon's too high that only a small dot appeared in this picture I took. =)

Thank you Allah. =')

And as I laid down, witnessing, I wondered.. Dear stars, why would you come and go? Why would you appear and disappear? Why would you shine and die? Just like normal people who come but then go, appear but then disappear, love but then leave.

And stars, what good actually is a love story without a happy ending?

I'm out bye-bye.

Watch me rise.

2011-12-10T11:27:00.003+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Everyone's results are out, mine including. I passed, though it's a real dead end one and quite susceptible either to kill or make me stay alive in the future. Know what I mean? That clearly means, I have to double or triple or fourple or fiveple or any '-ples' my effort, even much even more in a bid to survive.

I admit, I'm disappointed because I didn't expect my results to be like that. Is not it supposed to be better than that? Or just a slight fine at least? I held back my tears when taking a look at it in the very first place, monologuing "OH MY FOR REAL IS THIS REALLY MY RESULTS, THIS FRUSTRATING?" but failed to let those tears being hold back once I hugged Xiao Wen right after that.

"It's okay Fyraz, at least you can still stay right?" -Wen-

I had this kind of pressure even before the results are out. Tried to relax but I couldn't. Now that I already knew what they are, the pressure's getting even greater that I can never get rid of it. You know, the feeling of seeing people whose results are better than yours and the excruciatingly hurtful condition when you have to just swallow all those pain inside.

Plus the pressure when you know the person who you need the most will no longer be there for you.

However you know, it's okay it's fine nevermind. Pas is Pas, UMNO is UMNO. Haha. Still, I'm truly grateful for my results and I believe that there's a meaning why I can still stay though my results are not that outstanding. Allah has something in store for me, I believe in that and I indeed am looking forward for a better something in the future.

Too, I'm thankful because I still have my beloved ones by my side at all times. I have my mak and bapak who told me to struggle and do even better for the second semester and tried to strive to get at least a higher result for that. But most of all, I'm relieved that they're grateful and happy because I am still given the chance to stay even if I know that deep inside their hearts they share the same sadness as mine. They didn't scold or blame me at all, though I honestly expected it vice versa. Mak, bapak, thank you so much. =')

You know I'm also delighted because I have my besties to be my backbones. I have Yot who called me just to cheer me up and comforted me aside of ensuring whether or not I was really okay. Org dh berisik DiGI Easy juak nak? Hahaha. Giving good motivations, reminding me that life is all about to be up and down and there must always be a reason behind everything that happens. I have Esther too, who made lame jokes just to console me when I was suffering from a craziest stressful disease due to the pressure of getting my results.

"I'm sure u can. U're smart lah. Mun xpat pun nk, ur future is still bright. Rumah ku ada kekosongan. U wanna be my bibik? Haha just kidding. I'm horrible at jokes. I'm sry. Kill me. :c" -Esther-

HAHAHA. Seriously, it was midnight time and I laughed like heck right after I read that. Sounds lame but hilarious don't you think so? Haha.

Eyy I also have my darling Shin who gave me good advises and motivations with her sticky notes haha. Came to my room just to make sure that I'm studying, listed a few homework for me to do and always reminds me to study each and every of it so that I'll understand better and lastly, promised to help me as best as she can. =)

Plus, my roomates as well as other close friends of mine who cheered me up when I was at my lowest state the most. "Results tu ok. Takpe Fyraz boleh buat lebih bgs lagi nanti, percaye lah," they said.

And a person who told me to bounce back and give a best shot for this another semester. =))

Sincerely speaking, all of you really are my strength and support and for that I thank you all very much. Without you all, I seriously have no idea how I'm going to stand up and live my life in a much better way. Friends and family, that's the best. I love you guys wholeheartedly, with all of my prothallus! Hehehehe. ;)

Last but never least, I hereby wanna inform the world that I'm never going to give up. Witness me soar, watch me rise.

"Seharusnya kau ada disini saatku menangis, semestinya kau memelukku saat aku ringkih."

The Moon - Embun. A song for YOU who know who YOU are. =)

I'm out bye-bye.

Homesickness.

2011-11-22T19:28:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

It's been two days after the day I came back to KMS. Cannot be denied that I am still suffering from an extremely universal homesickness, the only thing that I'm thinking of right now is all about going home and spend more and more time with my beloved ones all days and nights.

I miss my family. I miss my Nasri Nasaruddin. ='(

So that's all. I'll feel better only after confessing those.

By the way congratulations Malaysia Team, for winning the final football match against Indonesia last night. I watched with my Mira mates in the television room, it was exhilaratingly euphoric I shall say. With all those screams and shouts, curses and surprises, anger and laughter. How exciting. So when one of the Malaysia players made it in the final, a roar of jubilation echoed! =D

Reminded me of that one night when I was watching Malaysia vs Indonesia, semi-final with my mom, we were acting just the same HAHA.

Rinduuuuuu. ='(

Fyi, I am proudly announcing that my baby and I have been together for two years already. =D Maybe some will consider that as still "sik lamak ne", but for me in my humble opinion it's something which is truly precious that it has to be cherished from time to time.

Talking about time, it's flown so fast no? I am so looking forward for the next same date for next year, and the next following + few years, with high hope that Nasri Nasaruddin is still going to be mine when the time really comes. Insya Allah, Amin.

I'm out bye-bye.

Wonderful tonight.

2011-11-20T00:18:00.005+08:00

Hello Human. :D

19/11/2011.

So proudly, I hereby clarify that I am officially 18. =D

I had the best moment in my life today. Spending my precious time with my precious ones on the precious day of mine. See how precious everysinglething is? Valuable truthfully.

My baby and I spent our time today, buying goods and had lunch, then visited his grandparents before paying a visit to his own place. Done outing with him, I went for a dinner with my precious family after that. =)

I actually am still in my state of euphoria cause I just had one of my wonderful nights tonight.

Nasri : Sorry bby ah, mun mek x romantik mcm org lain.
Nur Zafirah : Aie xpa, mek fhm bby kdk ne bh. Bby bkn jenis nunjok2 b.
Nasri : Mek x plu ngeso, asal bby tauk gne2 pun mek nang sayang bby jk bh.

You tell me, how could I not have my heart melted listening to those? ♥

Seriously, I do not need an extremely romantic boyfriend. I do not need a boyfriend who talks sweet things, low tones at all times. I need not a boyfriend who is there with nice flowers and chocolates wrapped tidily around cute teddy bears. I seek nothing from a boyfriend who brings me to candle light dinners frequently. Holding hands as we walk around the street or in the malls. Little did I need a boyfriend to act like those actors in romantic films and dramas. I don't find a sweet boyfriend as something compulsory to complete a girl's life. I just, seriously do not need those desperately.

I just merely need a boyfriend who's just being he himself genuinely. A boyfriend that yells at me when I fail to behave properly. Who scolds me when I commit mistakes, and even if he knows I am tearing up he acts just normally and cares less about it. I need a boyfriend who corrects my wrong doings, teaching me how to be better, makes me learn. Loves me for who I am, accepts me fully even if I am imperfect and though he keeps teasing, he still adores. Being childish when he feels like it, maintains being narrow minded and thinks what is best only for the ones he cares about. Does not bother others' lives, just his and those he loves. Label him selfish and pathetic he won't care, as long as he's fine living with his beloved ones delightfully without any harm.

Last but not least once he loves, always will he love. (Seems like I'm elaborating about 'somebody', don't you think so? =P)

Nasri bin Nasaruddin, thank you so much for today. You know I know hehehehehehe. And need not to bother about finding a gift for me because you're my gift already, my most precious gift! ♥

I'm out bye-bye.

Waiting outside the lines.

2011-11-10T01:23:00.003+08:00

Hello Human. :D

It's almost a week that I've been home, truthfully glad to meet my beloved ones. Really glad, totally euphoric I suppose. Get to see my home sweet home, parents and siblings, baby, friends, cats and kittens, how excited you tell me.

But not that soaringly ecstatic, however.

I am still waiting for my results to be out and stick on the notice board, making me see how they're gonna be. Little can I determine whether or not they're best, good or better, cause I honestly do not think so. I just, do not.

I know clearly that I have no right to make assumptions, because they're not yet out. Still unknown. Still kept. Still secured. Still undefined. But what else can I do or think when I'm so terribly dazed and lost and worried?

I just do not want to face failures, that's all.

I tried forcing myself not to have a single thought of it, tried convincing that as long as they're not out yet, do not lose hope. For God's sake I tried. I struggled I strived. But dammit they're just too strong to be resisted nor fought back. Those feelings, thoughts, assumptions.

They're silently torturing and killing me alive.

Frankly I envy my friends who are better than me, that they manage to get good results and show a sincere smile on their faces as they tell people about it, delightfully. I saluted them for that, as well as wishing that hopefully I can be just like one of them. Congrats to them, anyway. =D

Will I be one, or can I even be one?

I'm listening to Greyson Chance - Waiting Outside The Lines. Over and over the song is repeated since just now, and the funniest thing is I keep on dedicating the song to me myself so that this kind of bothersome upcoming-exam-results sickness can be endured, or evaded best. I'm sorry Greyson but can I just pretend as if you specially dedicate and sing this song for me? Just to comfort me, please?

Try to have no regrets
even if it’s just tonight
How you gonna walk ahead
if you keep living behind

Stuck in my same position,
you deserve so much more
There’s a whole world around us,
just waiting to be explored

Instead of just sitting around
and looking down on tomorrow
You gotta let your feet off the ground,
the time is now, just let it go

You see, I'm still waiting. And hoping. And praying. Hmm.

I'm out bye-bye.

2011-10-23T10:18:00.006+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Good day everyone. Sometimes it's just so hard to be delighted in such easy ways, don't you think so? Life and people around you, you know. Sometimes make you walk on air, sometimes drown you down, just under the wide deep ocean. Dayyum faltering.

And in conclusion, sometimes just suck.

I hate to say that right now I have three things bothering my mind recently. Quite a serious mess, I suppose.

One.

Peperiksaan Semester Program Matrikulasi. I have 5 days more before will I be bombarded by four crucial subjects, altogether 8 papers 1 and 2 respectively and have my brain working at breakneck speed as well as having my stress level soared but fluctuating wildly most of the time.

In some ways I am just scared of the tendency of not to excel excellently, that the likelihood of being thrown to PDT will prolly be there. However I'm still striving though, even if the ambiguity of the matter is present clearly.

Dammit I hate this rickety feeling and trembling fears to face this kind of life and death matter.

Two.

Currently there's just something that had just affected my mood, just so effectively plain and clear. Somehow I wonder, where did I seriously do wrong? I've tried to make everything better, confessing and confronting in a bid to fix everything so that the straight serious bothersome atmosphere can be reduced, or evaded best. Well it really did go fine though.

But shit it didn't last that long.

I hate to hate people because once the first stage of disliking is there, the susceptibility of me moving on to the next stage of hating is crystal clear bright and striking. How I loathe abhor and despise the fact that once I hate, always will I hate. Even if I try not to make it serious, I just can't. I can be fake though, showing a mask of delightfulness under someone's nose but the raging hatred inside my deep heart's core can never be neglected.

As mentioned by my baby before, "Kau mok nangga aku jaik nak? Kedak tok la aku jaik."

My one and only hope for now is please,don't make me hate. I'm not a hulk saying not to make me angry, but just probably another creature who doesn't want to hate or dislike even.

Derr.

Three.

I am eagerly waiting for November 4th to come. Just can't wait to sing Skylar Grey - Coming Home as well as impatiently waiting to reach the Land of the Hornbills safely.

Rindu mak bapak abang & Nadia. Rindu nenek. Rindu Nasri Nasaruddin. Rindu Yot Erun Etot. Rindu Ira. Rindu MingMing & anak2 nya especially my beloved Sushi kenja. Rindu brg mkn kt sinun. Rindu Rumah. Rindu Kuching. Rindu Sarawak.

Macam semua dirindu aku bah!!! HAHAHA sekpa Raz sik lamak gik k. =))

By hook or by crook!

I have to get through PSPM 1 first. Cry. Good luck everyone!

I'm out bye-bye.

That NARROW MINDED man!

2011-10-12T09:59:00.003+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Some people tend to be so narrow minded, that they can hardly differentiate between which side is the best to choose or decide and which side is so not.

Andddddd my baby is totally one of them. =P

I claimed that I was better than him, open minded I can say, that I could think better and be even extra optimistic compared to him who always thinks that his thoughts are all correct and 'wrongless' and incomparable and are always right that even a single objection can never be accepted at all haha.

So we were arguing and quarreling and the funniest thing was, we were talking in English. You know, broken English here and there and I didn't even sure whether or not my grammar or even my pronunciation was correct HAHAHA.

"You open minded people, always do stupid things and don't know how to think," he said.

"Isshh it's not open minded PEOPLE, I am only one, so open minded PERSON okay?" I replied sarcastically.

"Whatever! I don't care. I'm not like narrow minded people."

We were arguing about something like that, they're all manipulated and repeated that they made me hardly recall the conversation wholly. All about gibberish silly things, a little mock, slight curses HAHAHA. But anyhow, I was quite excited that night though, and offended at the same time! Grrrr. =P

Him being so narrow minded that way, and never wanted to give in, is what makes me adore him the most. Tell me, why won't I miss it if that kind of nature of him is missing?

Because it's a part of him, a part of the man I adore so much. So how could I shun, or how could I evade? No way of doing so. ;)

Eyyyy talking about this, I miss him a whole lot and even more already. So eager to go home and meet my narrow minded man ehhh hehehehehe.

Semester 1 cepat kit abis boleh sik?

I'm out bye-bye.

West Side Story.

2011-10-05T15:38:00.003+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Remember last time when I posted about myself wanting to buy Chasing Windmills so desperately, that finally I got the chance to own one? That was like two years back, 2009.

So I currently am reading it again, re-read I can say. Told my mom to bring it all the way from Kuching to Selangor since they came down to KL last two weeks, and she really did. In the first place she refused, due to my nature which is, can never stop having my eyes reading each and every sentence written right inside the book that I'm reading, the contents I should say. Which then products to waste of time just by reading it all, flipping and shifting through and through and finally as it's done being read I would realize that, ohh I haven't studied the whole day lahh.

HAHA. Whatever it is, mamak, thank you. =)

PSPM 1 is coming, nearer and closer, there's no way to evade, avoid or even ignore it. 2 weeks more and I'll be done with my final 1st semester examination and only then will I feel the freedom, though it's gonna be just for a fortnight.

CANNOT WAIT. SO EAGER. SO EXCITED. SO KEEN.

Razzzz! Good luck. Remember what you've been targetting and aiming for. You can do it, Insya Allah. =)

I'm out bye-bye.

43 days!

2011-09-16T15:05:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Been a week plus already in here, KMS since I went back on last week's Monday. Already got my UPS results, I have no words to describe them except for these words :

I AM SO, TRULY SO, JUST SO, UNSATISFACTORILY UNSATISFIED.

With my results, of course. Need to study and revise and practice a tonnes more, I have only 43 days to go yes how short is it you tell me will you?

Everyday is all about me venting about this and that. How stressful. Everything is making me extra tensed, I kid you not. Totally.

Life problems dammit, and studies, too.

I'm out bye-bye.

Gratefully grateful. =)

2011-09-02T13:50:00.008+08:00

Hello Human. :D

As you can see, I'm home and yes I really am gratefully grateful for that. I thank Allah for still giving me chances to celebrate this year's Aidilfitri peacefully, just like others. Because if I compare myself with those who are living their lives in misery, filled with sorrowness and multiplied by sadness that they don't even have a single chance to celebrate any celebrations with their beloved ones, I know that I really, seriously really should be thankful and grateful for everything, for every single thing that surrounds me.

Praise to Allah. =)

So gratefully relieved that I can still be with them :

And gratefully relieved that I can still see her :

Hajah Rathna Awen =)

"You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them."
-Desmond Tutu-

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. =)

I'm out bye-bye.

Will go back soon.

2011-09-01T11:50:00.013+08:00

Hello Human. :D

I am home, so home!! Haha and it's aidilfitri. =) Have been so busy all these days that even a single post is not posted at all. Arrived in Kuching, ohhhh my home sweet home last 22nd and will go back next week - on Monday. Time flies so fast no? Today's the 3rd day of raya already.

And I'm going back on the seventh day.

Kind of missing my college though. Still feels like I just played around my dorm compound last night, with Shin and others. How enthusiastic.

Jaclyn HAHA

Sin Yi, Jaclyn, Jac's friend(I forgot the name sorry), Shin~ =)

Aww rindu! Hahaha. And I miss these girls the most :

Diyana Arzila, Nur Puteri, Nur Azyan~ =)

And also this pretty girl!

Teh Kai Shin~ =)

I'm out bye-bye.

Smile Fyraz smile.

2011-08-13T16:01:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

I desperately need :

Razali Reduan.
Wania Esim.
Faeznor Razali.
Nur Nadirah Razali.
Nasri Nasaruddin.
Nurul Hidayah Abu Bakar.
Esther Grace Anthony.
Hairunisa Hamiz Hairi.

"Smile Fyraz smile.. The world missES it.. B)"

Only then, I'll be okay. =)

You. You really are something, you know. Indescribable. Even a picture is not worth a thousand words if it's a picture of yours. You're just so, genuinely, cannot be described by ordinarily plain and simple words. You're just typically something. Seriously, something that can never be defined, elaborated, distinguished or understood mentally or physically even.

I'm out bye-bye.

In quite a mess.

2011-08-13T15:43:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Life lately is trying to be my foe, though. I have no idea whether it's me myself or other things which are being the dominant factors, quite expert just to mess everything up little by little.

I am not so fine, not that fine, just a little bit, stressed out. Feel like stuck somehow, but little did I know at which part of me is it. I'm just so, dayyum, extremely tensed.

Feel like to scream and shout, yes.

Loneliness is the main factor, I can say. I need to expose myself out. I need to be more delighted. I need to be more bright. And big, too. I need just every single thing that may help me free from this pathetic extreme loneliness. Are there such anti-lonely panadol, please?

Because Madam Sohaida said ~ "Orang yg berjaya adalah orang yg TIDAK EMOTIONAL."

Can I just, at least slightly, be less emotional? I want to succeed, though. Immensely.

Need my beloved ones like a whole lot right now. Luckily I'm going back next week. Alhamdulillah. Cannot wait, so eager.

I'm out bye-bye.

Remember?

2011-07-30T17:38:00.003+08:00

Hello Human. :D

"Bukankah pernah ku tanyakan padamu kasih,
takkan kecewakah kau pada diriku?
Takkan menyesalkah kau hidup denganku nanti?"

=')

I'm out bye-bye.

Pass the past.

2011-07-28T20:09:00.008+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Past. Is never perfect, never totally just great, and never had it been all butterflies in the daylight, stars shining brightly at night. Recall the times of how sad my life was, how misery I was in, how painful my soul felt, how suck had I been. The result is ordinary, just plain and simple, tears were shed, rolled down my cheeks, very persistently, silently.

I know I was not that good in the past, what more to say being perfect from the top of my head to the end of my feets. I know I was not totally better in the past, what more to say everything was all crystal clear from the beginning until the end. So should I say that due to that terrible past of mine that I had lived in, sum up to all I ought to be treated bad as well? So that the equation can be balanced, even if it's not a redox one?

Have I ever told you that I am also a normal Homo sapien, a human being, a girl who has a heart to bleed and feelings to feel pain? Bleeds as it is injured, and the wounds, they won't seem to heal. Feels pain as it feels hurt, and the feelings, they won't seem to fade.

People prone to err, and genuinely I'm not excluded. So if you can never forget them in just a blink of eye, try to accept them in just one swallow down your throat. It might hurt as you are swallowing huge and bitter something, but at least that does mean that they will be eliminated little by little, even if a time as long as an anaconda is needed for the purpose.

And don't vomit. Because if you do, they will all be spurted out and once it's done, you can never swallow them back. Which in the end as a result, it's getting even harder on you to bear with the pungent smell, that in the end you're hurting yourself as well as the person who caused you the sickness, too. But one thing for sure, the person is even sicker than you. Nevertheless, even worst indeed.

Think I've been writing metaphorically, too much.

If I am given a chance to have a time machine, being frank the first thought of mine is, I would really love to turn back the time and have everything started freshly so that there will be no pain, no tears. Just smiles, just laughters. In life naturally there are second chances but you know, second thoughts also exist. So after the first thought, do you know what my second thought is? If I really am going to own that impressive machine ever, once it is obviously present in front of me I'll go take a hammer of the size of a behemoth and hit the machine violently, with cruelty and depravity.

Have you ever thought about why would I do so?

Because I will never ever want to turn back the time and have myself not knowing you as someone who won my heart, owns it and most of all, makes it beat for you, only you, just you. Someone who I shared my love and life with, shared everything comprising sadness and delightfulness, just each and every single of it. Sincerely, truthfully, wholeheartedly.

So it's because of my dark terrible past that finally I found you, knew you, shared things with you, love you, adore you. =')

But how could you be so............................................

I'm out bye-bye.

Tummm!

2011-07-28T16:55:00.004+08:00

Hello Human. :D

So the students of Selangor Matriculation College are having their brains working vigorously at the moment, and not to mention, myself including. Hu-why?

Ignore the home address HAHAHA. =P

Mid-sem exam is coming in 5 days! Yes next week, I can say. So stressed out though, it's crystal clear that things and times are happening and flying so fast, even faster than a plane which is moving at a constant velocity, even quicker than a rocket which is accelerating high up in the air, speeding directly to the space.

And even faster than the beats of my heart.

Talking about heart, I'm not sure whether or not my heart is beating normally. Not even sure whether or not the cardiac muscle is functioning properly. Or maybe, never have I been so sure that whether or not these four chambers I have in this heart of mine are working systematically, just how the exactly precise way that it should be.

Cause it's truly deeply not feeling fine at all............................

Alright back to the point, good luck KMS students! "Kugenggam bara menjadi arang, sedia tempuh apa dugaan." =))

I'm out bye-bye.

1 Malaysia.

2011-07-16T17:13:00.009+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Kita satu bangsa, kita satu negara.
Kita satu matlamat, oooo.
Kita satu bangsa,
satu negara,
KITA 1 MALAYSIA.

You know that 1 Malaysia theme song? I like it though, and always have been repeating the song over and over as I listen to it most of the time. Even me and Shin too, tried memorizing the lyrics and sang it together as we're on our way back to dorm yesterday evening haha.

I have no idea why frankly, I somehow enjoy living my life here in KMS. Major that it's because that I could deeply feel the spirit of 1 Malaysia, as wherever I go that I bump into my college mates, if it's not a smile then it's a "Hi." Regardless of they're Malay, Chinese, Indian or even Punjabi, I know mostly all of them. =)

To be honest this is my very first time to have a wider side of friends since before, in school, not to say my friends are limited but they aren't of sides like this. I before had no Indian or Punjabi friends, and never had I been as close to even a Chinese friend like how me and Shin are right now.

Funny no? =))

Nevertheless, I've never been that close with Malay friends from West Malaysia until I'm here in KMS hehehehe. But see, now I have my SM1K3P6 girls and too, I have my beloved Yan, Yana and Puteri who are also known as my hilariously cheerful roommates! =P

And yes, I could at least try improving my way of speaking BM here without mixing my Sarawak words as well HAHA.

So, pictures~

My beautiful Teh Kai Shin. ♥

Shin and I, during lab practical. ♥

Michelle Yeoh, Shin & Ming Hui. ♥

My pretty kuliah-mate, Chan Xiao Wen. ♥

My lovely kuliah-mate, Eunice Chow Tzu Ting. ♥

My gorgeous kuliah-mate, Dherej Kaur. ♥

My sweet classmates, Anis & Feefee. ♥

My crazy Yana, Ili & Yan HAHA. ♥

My pretty roommate, Nur Azyan Mustafa. ♥

Well that's it. =) I have fun and do truly enjoy myself here though still, I'm far away from home, family and my baby. But at least, I still have those gorgeous pretty sweet beautiful girls to cheer me up and keep me company everyday, at all times. ♥

Cause we're not acquaintances, we're not besties. We're not mates, we're not friends. Why? Because WE ARE ONE MALAYSIA. =)

I'm out bye-bye.

To go back.

2011-07-10T08:47:00.006+08:00

Hello Human. :D

I'm going back, I'm going back. Tell the world that I'm going back. Cry. 2 days and a half was never enough. Need to be at home for moreeeeeee. =((

Bye Kuching, halo Kuala Lumpur. Bye bye home, halo halo Kolej Matrikulasi Selangor. *sigh*

See you again on August. Yes, AUGUST!!!! =((

Gonna miss my precious family and beloved baby. Again. LIKE IMMENSELY!!!

I'm out bye-bye.

I am home, so home! =D

2011-07-09T08:29:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Relieved. Totally relieved cause I'm home already, finally. =) I reached home at 9 p.m something after the plane landed at almost 8 p.m something, if I'm not mistaken.

So, whoa! I haven't been at home for a month and 3 days ~ Haven't even watched TV, haven't even fed my lovely cats, haven't even laid on my precious bed, haven't even driven my car and all that, so much more haha. How funny. A month seems like a year to me. *sigh*

Now that I have this one and only day to spend before I go back to KMS tomorrow, I'm going to violently kill the time and have everything spent as each and every second of time passes by! Hahaha I'm so excited, excitedly excited, really excited. How sakai HAHA.

By the way..................

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE SOMEONE LATER EHH!! =P ♥

I'm out bye-bye.

Next week!

2011-06-29T10:07:00.006+08:00

Hello Human. :D

I'm coming home I'm coming home ~ tell the world that I'm coming home. =D

A day after my abang's birthday please come faster, quicker!!!!! =))))

Now I understand how exciting does it feel to come home after being away for so long from my hometown, though it's been just nearly a month HAHA.

Bapak, thank you so much. =)

I'm out bye-bye.

A big girl in a big world.

2011-06-27T22:24:00.006+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Yana always sings ~ "I'm a big big girl in a big big world," and now I'm applying the lyrics in my current life. I was down, so down, but right now I'm fine already. Just fine. I believe that I'm a big girl hehehehe. Thanks Yana, Yan and Puteri ~ my dearest roommates and my darling, Kai Shin. And too, now I think I'm just going to follow Yan's 'prinsip'. =)

Just realized that apart of having this one problem, I have another BIG problem. One of my classmates said ~ "You don't need to bother about any other problems you're facing with because this matriculation is already your biggest problem you've ever had actually."

Yes, my one and only big problem. I'm not gonna bother about anything any longer, but instead I'm just going to bother about this one and only thing from now on. Really seriously. Physics, Chemistry, Biology, Maths.. *sigh* I'm so tensed due to those. Help me~ =(

Oh yes by the way I really am enjoying Dr. Sim's lecture classes though HAHAHA. Eyye!!! =))

I'm out bye-bye.

One thing.

2011-06-27T22:01:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Have you ever felt the feeling of being excitedly excited to talk on the phone with someone you adore, and the thing really did happen, but in the end everything was ruined badly then?

And as it's ruined, I kid you not, it does feel excruciatingly hurtful & deeply painful.

I know I may not be good, neither I am that nice or behaving really proper. I do rebel, I do oppose. I do shout, I do yell. But still I have my own heart which beats normally when it feels fine, and beats rapidly when it feels hurt.

Words are really like a blade which hurts badly as it is stabbed deeply.

I cried, but you pretended as if you didn't hear me sobbing. I asked, but you answered the simplest answer you could ever give. I convinced, but you kept on accusing the same thing over and over again. How was I going to survive then?

You, thank you. Just thank you so damn much. You just won the award though, congratulations. Be proud of yourself, please do. =)

My love, regardless of it's my first or second, I just realized that they have one thing in common ~ their way of words. When those words are sweet, they're the sweetest, the most wonderful, the most meaningful, the most memorable.

And when those words are bad, they're the baddest, the most hurtful, the most painful and yes, the most memorable, too.

I'm out bye-bye.

New environment!

2011-06-14T23:23:00.003+08:00

Hello Human. :D

For the very first time in my life, I'm being away from home for a week plus. Haha. It was seriously so hard for me in the first place, but finally I'm already used to this kind of new environment already. =) Alhamdulillah.

I'm in the first module, which means that I'll be studying Maths, Chemistry, Physics and Biology yes ALL OF THEM which are tougher than the ones I studied when was still schooling last time. All in all, ohhh it really feels like I'm going back to school again though. =P

So my UPU e-rayuan result also failed today, officially HAHA. I wonder why UiTM refuses taking me, what did I do wrong??!!!! Hahahaha. Nevermind cause I won't mind. I'll just continue being a KMS student for a year then and strive for the very best to achieve my dreams. =))

Insya Allah.

I'm out bye-bye.

Far away, just far and so away.

2011-06-14T23:01:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

It's hard though. Really hard. What do I mean by that? Long distance relationship. Thought in the first place it'll not be that damn difficult to be faced by me but sadly, it turned out a thousand times harder than how I thought it'd be.

Am I just being homesick? Or being less confident in myself and people around me? I myself too have no idea though.

In fact, I'm still lost in my train of thoughts, could not even go out. Thinking of what is this that I'm facing with and why am I facing it. Emotions, everything for me right now, in my head, is all affected by my own emotions.

I'm just far, way too far. From home, from family, from him, from everything.

I'm out bye-bye.

KMS.

2011-06-11T23:41:00.003+08:00

Hello Human. :D

I've been in KMS for almost a week already, HAHA. Done with the orientation week and stuff, now am gonna be focusing on only my studies. So, my new experience oh?

1. I am away, so far away from home and family. And baby. And MingMing and family. And just home. And my home sweetest home forever and ever.

2. I get to make new friends, which nearly all of them aren't Sarawakians. Or even Sabahans. This really makes me feel like missing my ex-classmate, Zati.

3. I get to sleep in a room which is shared by four people including me.

4. I get to be labelled as a Chinese girl by everyone who knows not that I'm actually a mixed Malay.

5. I wear labcoat everytime I have practical classes in the lab. Really reminds me of SMKMJ's lab staff.

6. I get to learn singing a new college song which for me is very interesting.

7. I get to study damn new challenging things for only a year!!!! =((

AND MUCH MORE JUST MUCH MORE!!!! Hahaha. Thinking of quitting if my result rayuan for UPU is already out, but, hmmmmmmm.

I don't know.

Feels like belong to KMS already. But still, feels like going back to Kuching.

But, entahlah.

I'm out bye-bye.

F ♥ E

2011-06-05T10:49:00.004+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Was bored last two nights and planned on doing something so in the end I gathered some stuff and by using these...............

........................I made this :

I'm out bye-bye.

Plastik merah. =)

2011-06-05T08:48:00.003+08:00

Hello Human. :D

My baby's back hehehehe. Welcome home baby. =) So that night as I went out with him, while we're in the car.....

"B, carik disc dalam ya. Tuka disc lok b," He said.
"Nak ne sigek? Banyak tok aie," I replied.
"Aie ada sia. Carik jak sigek2, nya warna biru."

So I was looking plus searching for it even if I myself knew not how exactly the disc looks like. Then a few seconds later......

"Nya tok b," He said briefly, with his hand holding this one red plastic bad, and lent it to me.

Guess what's inside??

An orange heart-shaped necklace and a vanilla perfume, which indeed has always been my fav! =))

Of course, I was surprisingly surprised cause he's surpising me with that surprise hehehehe. Nak ya lah disc wana biru tek oh?! =P Baby, thank you so much!! Saranghae, cheongmal. ;)

Oh yes, by the way, I also got this though!

Used to be his but now it's mine. =P

I'm out bye-bye.

='(

2011-06-02T13:41:00.003+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Salah aku. Kesalahan besar aku. Kesalahan nk xda guna mun nk disesal gik.

I'm out bye-bye.

Close to you.

2011-06-01T17:25:00.003+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Currently listening to Yusry - Dekat Padamu. Have no idea why but the song really has gotten deep into my soul, and captivates my heart, and I just love the way it goes that way. =)

Walau jauh akan kugegas berlari,
walau tinggi bisa kuterbang di langit.
Walau sedalam mana akanku selami,
kerna cinta sedalam itu mekar bila kudekat padamu. =)

Alright so my baby right now is in KL, with his cousins and the family. How I miss him, badly. You know I still remember the time when he was in Kuching airport though, it was on the August 21st year 2009, last time before he flew to KL we were talking on the phone for the very first time that night and he told me that he's gonna top up RM 50 to my phone the next day before he got on the flight. I thought he's just joking, but seriously, he really did!

8461 5289 3773 1311 ~ The reload card codes. =) I wrote it down and kept it until now hehehehehe. ♥

By the way, have you ever suffered from mental illness? I think I have, and in fact, I am. Cause I lately am suffering from short temper sickness, and hey I was told that having a short temper is one of the symptomps for one to be exposed to have a mental disorder as time goes by. Don't you think that I'll be a super psycho someday?

Wait, that's way too much though. I want not be crazy before I get my 'Doctor' title of course. I guess I've been eating a whole lot of sugar before, that it makes me irritable and lessens my impulse control which leads to quick sensitiveness then. Prolly that's just why I get really angry easily. Oh?

And as a result, I hurt people around me. Trust me, I do have qualms due to that.

I'm out bye-bye.

Life as a doctor.

2011-05-28T14:35:00.005+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Yes, life as a doctor. Well I was googling around on the internet just now, so I typed 'Life as a doctor' and then the results came out and I clicked on one of the links and I discovered this :

Malaysian Government Doctors Criteria.

It's a blog anyhow, owned by a Malaysian Govt Doctor. So he posted about the criterias and what's it like to become a doctor like him who's working as a govt doctor in Malaysia. I know you might have clicked on the link mentioned above and read the post but still, I would really like to copy and paste it here hehehehe.

Criterias for becoming a Malaysian Govt Doctor ohh?

1. No life outside medicine ~ this includes dating, sports, clubbing, chores for your parents and visiting the toilet

2. Not to live with your parents. Move out ASAP as they will never understand the ludicrous working hours that u go through. Furthermore, chores are not suitable for u as to rule No. 1.

3. Not to be married until completion of all 4 years of Govt Compulsory service as u will be transferred left and right to some of the most remote Govt clinics in Malaysia. Having wife and kids to follow you to your new working area may increase high level of stress on all parties. Furthermore, if your spouse is a Govt Doctor, he/she will also be transferred away from u and no matter what appeal is made, KKM will put up a deaf ear (unless u have big cables or of a certain skin color).

4. If married, no to have children until u finish all 4 years of Govt Compulsory service, as to which u and your spouse will not have much time for your child/children or they end up not recognizing u and refer the Indonesian maid as their mother (change in language patterns commonly follow).

5. To obtain life insurance once your govt service begins as there is not many claims for accidents during work. Don't be fooled, Doctoring in Malaysia is hazardous.

6. Able to withstand 36 hours of non stop work and stress without mistakenly labeling Left for Right or uvula for vulva (or Volvo S40)

7. To buy a car with complete safety features (like I'm doing) which includes multiple airbags, ABS, EBD, side-front-rear-top-parallel and diagonal impact bars and seat belts to ensure survivability if u are involved in an accident because your driving resembled a drunkard maniac after working in the hospital for 40 hrs non stop.

8. Constant supply of coffee

9. Nicotine Patch as u will have the urge to start smoking due to overwhelming stress

10. Interest in watching medical sitcoms such as House MD, Scrubs, ER, Grays Anatomy and Chicago Hope to inspire u to continue your life as a doctor as the exciting things u see on TV does not resemble the real life of a Malaysian govt doctor.

11. Not to have any pets or plants (not even cactuses) as u will have no time to feed or care for them and eventually all will end up in your mortuary.

12. Able to endure the stench of your own sweat as to when 36 hours "on call" does not permit u time to bathe or freshen up.

13. Able to carry on working without food or water over 15 hours. ( I was in OT for 16 hrs without food, water or bathroom breaks). If during fasting month, able to break your fast with “water for injection” as u had no time to buy food.

14. Able to come to work with fever/cough/illness or physical disability (sprained ankle etc) as to which doctors do not deserve MCs. (My MO was on crutches during rounds)

15. Able to stand scolding, destructive criticism, kiss ass behaviors, racial bias, finger pointing, scape goating, and in competency from your superiors.

16. Able to withstand the jealousy when your friends call u up for some fun and ur stuck in the hospital during on call.

Gila right? Seriously gila, am I right? This is crazy. Damn crazy. Freaking crazy. People prone to commit suicide if they can never stand all these hectic, stressful criterias as time flies by and as they grow older and older. Heck yes they may give up in the end and eventually die, maybe.

Okay I know I'm not a doctor yet, but that's really what I wanna be someday though. I've always been reading many things about doctor, regarding what they do and where they go and I find challenges in each and every experience they had faced and owned. They won, they failed. They smiled, they cried. They lived, they died.

But however, those are what we call as challenges in life. There's no life if there's no challenge. Cause we're not born to be real stupid, God gives us feelings so that we'll know how it feels like to have the feeling of having a high spirit to never give up and do what we need to do, go where we need to go, and try what we need to try. And that's how we learn about what does a real life mean, and why does the Earth spin.

If I were a doctor, or on my way to be one, honestly I'll face all those challenges strongly and even if I get to be knocked and torn down really hard, I'll put my strong, enormous effort to stand up. I won't give up. Those aren't just my words, they're my wills.

Insya Allah. =)

I'm out bye-bye.

Choneun useuloyo. =)

2011-05-25T17:07:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Dangsineun daegeisangcheo. An ara? Hajiman, gwenchanayo.. Chongmal gwenchana. =)

I'm out bye-bye.

Ee Moto Gaia.

2011-05-23T17:14:00.003+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Just feel immensely bored and truly need to laugh so I'm posting this haha. Well nothing serious actually, it's just that I really can't stop laughing whenever I think of last night. So last night I went out with my baby, and while he's on his way sending me home, we were talking about something which I hardly recall what the exact topic was but one thing for sure :

"B, camne mun mek tek bukak Facebook nk kakya nangga nama bby 'Fyraz Budak Lollipop'? Yerrrr."

We laughed then hahaha. You know I could never picture myself putting that kind of name on my page. Gai gai gai HAHAHAHAHA! And the names moved on, such as...

"Fyraz Budak Everrise"

"Ee Moto Gaia"

"Fyraz Honda City"

"Fyraz Pinky Lollipop"

"Fyraz Atos"

"Ee Budak Shuffle"

And so much more hahaha. However the most definite stupid name for me is this one :

"Doctor Fyraz Tok"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now I'm picturing myself putting that name on my Facebook and realizing how GAI to the max I am HAHA. Wait wait wait, don't you think that I should really do that so that my spirit of determination to become a doctor someday will increase much more? HAHAHA.

I admit that sometimes my baby does make jokes which I do take them seriously, but maybe because it's just me who's being too sensitive about that. I don't know. But somehow, I can never deny that he's seriously the expert at making me laugh damn hysterically. Yes he really is, even if that means to burst both my large and small intestines out loud! =P

Eh btw, I got this last night though!

Nice no? It's from Kak Sha. ♥ Though it's not in orange but still, I lalalove it so much! Really appreciate it hehe. Thank you very much sis! And too, welcome back to Kuching! =)

I'm out bye-bye.

Misery.

2011-05-20T23:35:00.004+08:00

Hello Human. :D

She's lonely cause she feels so alone. She's alone cause she feels so lonely.

What more should I say?

She's alone and lonely that she feels like :

No, not that. But....

Okay that's much better. Does she really need to cry? It's so hard to hold the tears back.

So yeah, she's in misery.

I'm out bye-bye.

Smile, just smile.

2011-05-18T23:32:00.005+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Everyone's busy going for their further studies soon, SPM leavers I mean. Regardless of it's IPTA or IPTS even, still, it's about to go studying in a new environment. Regardless of it's Lower Form Six, University, Matric or College even, but still for those SPM leavers, it's their new studying environment. And too, regardless of it's far or near even, still, it's a very new environment that they'll be facing and experiencing later on.

So to those lucky people, congratulations tahniah and chukhahae! =) Unluckily plus unfortunately, I am not like all of you though.

"Dukacita. Anda tidak ditawarkan tempat ke IPTA."

Thus obviously, I failed and not selected at all. Seeing people excitedly preparing to go for their further studies soon really makes my heart ache an immensely whole lot, like words can never ever tell how painful and hurtful does it feel. And you know it hurts me the most the very most when people ask me this :

"Ktk dpt nyambong sine tek?"

And with a fake smile of mine I'll answer :

"Mek xpat apa apa. =)"

Just today morning I accompanied Yot going to school since she wanted to make her certificates and documents confirmation done and yes as I watched her pushing the rubber stamp down on every paper she's working on, I really couldn't describe how I feel though. Down, jealous, envious, sad, frustrated, disappointed and all related to that and heck yes they're all mixed up. The only thing I had exactly in mind was :

"I'm supposed to do the same thing like that with her now, right now."

But instead I was just only sitting and watching and then went back home bringing nothing. No certificates in my hand, no documents, or even congratulations wishes from the teachers. Nothing, just nothing. I felt like crying so I finally cried cause I couldn't bear it any longer and hold back my tears anymore. Have you ever imagined yourself being in my shoes like that, exactly that way? Or have you ever imagined yourself being in the same boat like mine like that, exactly that way?

I won't blame my parents cause for me this isn't their fault. I know they're trying to do what's best for me and though the results turned out nothing but still anyhow, I appreciate their effort so much. My parents and my baby keep on convincing me that everything happens for a reason, and there must be a reason why right now I can't be like others and share the same feelings of delightfulness when they got to know the news that they're selected to continue their further studies here and there.

So yes, I am still waiting to know the reason why I can't be one, just like them.

I know that there are still hopes which I've never expected them to come but they do come in some way, and sooner or later they will. Therefore the only thing that I can do for now is to believe in it. Have faith. Have confidence. Have self-esteem. Have everything, lack nothing.

"Mun kita kat atas x semestinya kita akan stay kat atas jk. Ada masa kelak kita akan turun dibah juak." -Nasri Nasaruddin-

I guess I right now am in the lowest place, while everybody and everyone's up there, in the highest place. But it's okay. Seriously, it's okay. No matter how hurtful I am to be in this kind of place, I believe and I know that someday I really will get up, stand up and in just a blink of eye, they'll see me standing on the same ground as theirs without them realizing it at all. Just a little patience, just a little patience.

So Raz.. Even if it really hurts you inside and excruciatingly torturing you.. Smile, just smile.

I'm out bye-bye.

Please forgive me.

2011-05-18T00:01:00.004+08:00

Hello Human. :D

I right now am listening to Please Forgive Me - Bryan Adams over and over and yes, thinking of my baby over and over as well. It was like last two years when I was dedicated by that song from him, and I can still remember clearly how touched I was due to that.

"It still feels like our first night together."

B, remember the first night we first went out together? You borrowed your friend's motorcycle in order to go to see me just to give me the T-shirt you bought for me in KL. So then I said, "Juh embak mek jalan lok!" and then yeah, you know right. =)

That's one of my precious memories of being with my baby, and as time flew by, tons of memory were made. They're all precious, I should say. But have you ever thought of why they're all that valuable? Well the answer is simply simple, cause the person who I made the memories with is as precious as the memories we ourselves had made in the past. =)

My Nasri Nasaruddin isn't as handsome as Syamsul Yusof, isn't as cute as Lee Dong Wook or as hot as Ian Somerhalder even but who would ever knew that still and always, he's the king of my heart? The one who makes me smile and laugh easily though I do struggle so hard to hold them back from being done, the one who comforts me well though I can never be as better as him, the one who would always make me go "Oh my I'm freaking meltingggg I swear!" though I sometimes do keep pretending to be normal, the one who would tame me with his soft words spoken by him and much more which I can hardly elaborate more.

Frankly, he sometimes is really the pain in the neck haha. Sometimes just too much that I get angry and crazy easily because of him though. But you know, I don't regard that as something I really hate about him but instead I regard it as something that I will never find in any other men but him, just him. Cause for me he's different, just different that it makes me feel like I can never let go of a man like that, ever.

Why?

Cause I can hardly find a man who's over caring, over protective and over loving like my man. =)

Certain girls sometimes get easily annoyed being with certain men who they think are controlling them, though actually they're just being caring and protective toward those girls and tadaaa at last, those men are dumped just like that. Being frank, I admit that in the first place I was truly tensed because I thought my life was totally controlled by my boyfriend haha. He was scolded, he was yelled, he was treated badly and all that, you name it. But then still we stayed long, I stayed long and got to know him more and much more and finally, I understood what kind of man he actually is and yes, I guess I was being too much back then.

And too, I did quite many mistakes to him behind his back in the past though. I really didn't mean it, really. I was stupid that way I'm so sorry. But you know what, still, he gave me chances so that I wouldn't repeat the same mistakes again in the future. How thoughtful of him. =') To him I promise, I would never ever repeat them any longer. For the sake of our relationship, I really wouldn't. Trust me.

A man who's over protective and over caring but loves you wholeheartedly just the way you are, have you ever met a man like that? If you have but you just let him passes you by just like that, girls let me tell you, you just did a very, very, very BIG MISTAKE.

As surveyed, most people said "Zaman kinek tok nang susah mk carik laki nk mena2 bagus ngekot citarasa dirik eh,". Believe me not? Try one. =D

So before I end this post, I would really love to tell the whole world that I'm dayyum proud of being Nasri Nasaruddin's girlfriend. ♥ He's the one and only man I cinta so girls, please, back off~

"I'm still holding on, you're still the one."

Baby can't you see? You're still my one and only one! =)

I'm out bye-bye.

2011-05-04T04:07:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

EQ?RARAWACKO?suk bna bby ingt daknya?apatek?raya ari ke 2?dengan sapa tek?EQ nak?x SALAH mek la.xpa b.=`).KENANGAN OH KENANGAN~

Is it something spectacular?

2011-05-02T23:12:00.004+08:00

Hello Human. :D

My sis fyi is that kind of a girl who's very good at bulding castles in the air. Just today she's planning on selling cupcakes though she knows that she herself will never have that spirit of being a salesgirl like others. Why? Cause obviously she's a very very very shy plus kind-of-unfriendly kid hahaha. So due to her plan then, today she did this :

Okay I can still believe it if it's about Garlic Breads. But hey, do Garlic Cupcakes even exist?

Ahhh kids.

I'm out bye-bye.

Words of wisdom~

2011-04-27T20:00:00.005+08:00

Hello Human. :D

So some people lately have been asking me about the Korean elementary class which I have just enrolled yesterday.

Okay if you're keen and interested~

1. Go to UCSI University, Sarawak Campus and search for a person named Ivan(the person in charge of foreign classes there).
2. Bring RM 170, since RM 150 is for the registration fee and RM 20 is for the textbook.

That's it that's all. Easy no? =D

Thus the class will be running for three months for the elementary level and you'll have to pay RM 150 of every month. After that, you'll proceed studying in the intermediate level for another three months and yeah your studies are completely done then. At the end of the courses, students are highly expected to speak confidently and properly in the language hehehe. But still, it depends on the students themselves of course.

The course modules absolutely, include learning the basics of the language, constructing proper and correct sentences, improving communication skills effectively, learn to differentiate the words between past tense and present tense and much more and last but not least is to explore the Korean culture itself. Why learn the language if you have no idea about the culture of the country which you're learning its language, is not it? Haha.

What else oh? Aaa! The tutor himself is a Korean who's been in Malaysia for quite a long period of time therefore he can speak both in BM and English fluently. So he'll be teaching you every Tuesday and Thursday evening from 6.30 pm to 8.30 pm. Yep, twice a week. No worries, he's a very friendly tutor and he'll help you sincerely as long as you sincerely seek for his help as well. =)

That's all I got that's all I know. For more info ~ CLICK HERE THEN YOU WILL KNOW.

I really am a good promoter aren't I?

Annyonghi gaseyo. ♥

I'm out bye-bye.

Korean Class.

2011-04-26T22:05:00.004+08:00

Hello Human. :D

You know currently I'm learning Korean Language in UCSI, Sarawak campus. I just started today, and since I entered the elementary class, the number of people in the class has increased from 4 to 5 people including me HAHA.

AND THEY ARE ALL GIRLS. Baby please just please TAKE NOTE k?

The textbook given.

The chapter my classmates and I are learning still right now.

Well the language is not that dayyum difficult to understand unless you don't feel like learning it. But however there are still many things that I have to learn and explore and as it goes on and on I believe that it'll become tougher and more challenging for me in the future. I wish I won't give up cause I right now am so into this hehehehe. Really seriously really. I may not be as 'K-Pop Freak' as my friends but ottokajo? Nanun hangukrul saranghaeyo! =D

So my first session today was fun with friendly students plus friendly tutor teaching the language. All of them welcomed me well so yeah, I easily got along with them as well. =) I bet the class will be more and more exhilaratingly fun cause we'll be going on trips here and there to improve our language skills apart of knowing more about Korean culture. For instance, going to Korean restaurants or meeting Korean people and talk to them in Korean, etc.

And guess what? My tutor right now is even planning on bringing his students to Korea on this year's October, during winter and soon he's gonna confirm the date of our flights. OH MY! How exciting will that be?! If only I can come along since this class that I have just enrolled today is just only my temporary one in the wake of waiting for me going for my further studies sooner or later. So sad!

I'm out bye-bye.

Baby. =)

2011-04-24T22:17:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Short post.

Nasri Bin Nasaruddin baby,

GOOD LUCK FOR YOUR SECOND SEMESTER FINAL EXAM DARLING! ALL THE BEST AND DO YOUR BEST MY BABY! I BELIEVE IN YOU AND IN EVERYTHING YOU DO. REMEMBER EVEN IF THE WORLD'S KNOCKING YOU DOWN, YOUR BABY IS HERE FOR YOU TO LEND HER HAND AND HELP YOU TO STAND UP THEN. =)

I'll try my very best, even if I'm not as better and as good as you. =)

Kak Sha told me :

"I am maybe not a best sister but he's the best brother."

And seriously, we do really think alike. Baby, I am not the best girlfriend but you're the best boyfriend. =)

Oh have I ever told you that you're the best I ever had? ;)

So my sweetheart, again, GOOD LUCK TO YOU. ♥

Remember our two goals? Let us both strive for it okay! AMIN. =)

I'm out bye-bye.

Long way to go...

2011-04-22T19:46:00.006+08:00

Hello Human. :D

So the news is true, that I am not selected to go for the Asasi TESL interview. Doesn't this sound like a poem? Okay let me repeat, I FAILED FOR THE SELECTION. Cry. Esther let's just cry together.

But however I still have hopes though. You know right now I'm eagerly waiting for 28th of April and 6th of May year 2011 to come. Why? Cause on the 28th, the results for those SPM leavers incuding me to go for one of the matriculation colleges in Malaysia will be out. Whereas on the 6th of May, the results to go for IPTA will be out then. Adat ~ Matrik lok, kakya IPTA. Nakkkkk?

Okay why am I so eager waiting for these results? IT'S TO KNOW WHETHER I AM SELECTED OR NOT SELECTED FOR BOTH MATRIC AND IPTA AT ALL. I guess waiting for these results to come out is even scarier than waiting for SPM results to come out though. Torturing much. Why? Okay even if you got straight A plus for your SPM but still, you cannot go for further studies then, apa gunanya? What use it? IPTA okay IPTA. The competition is like, oh my!

Unless you go for IPTS lah nakkkkk.

Well I've already been selected to go for further studies in KPTM ~ Kolej Poly-Tech Mara(KL branch) fyi. Even if it's IPTS but at least it's under MARA so I prefer that one the most. But still, I'm still hoping highly to successfully go for IPTA though. Hmm. Well, who doesn't?

My baby said :

"Ingat prinsip kmk k bby, selagik lom abis results apa semua klua, jgn berhenti berharap k bby.. Gikpun mek ada juak k b.."

Awwwww saranghae! ♥ Thank you so much baby kamek. ;) Whatever it is, I have to pray and wait. Wait and pray. And pray and wait. =)

But still silently, deep in my heart, far away in my mind, I'm so tensed and stressed out due to this... Honestly seriously really really really! Ottokae?

Guess I should just join Damon and Vicki dancing ecstatically.

I'm out bye-bye.

Curly hair? =)

2011-04-17T22:22:00.007+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Well today in the morning my baby brought me to this one hair saloon since he wanted to see me having a curly hair just for this one day hehehehe. So the result turned out this way :

Mukaaaaaaa!! HAHA

More or less, I still looked the same. But honestly, I really really really loved the hair though it's just a temporary one. Baby, thank you so much for that!! Saranghae~ ;)

By the way I made something for my baby last night :

Ignore the first one, it's broken I know. I did it I know my mistake I know my bad I know. Haha

Two keychains ~ the one written with "F ♥ E" is my baby's whereas the one with "E ♥ F" is mine. The keychains, when they were empty still, had been kept for so long that I last night felt like managing them with something instead of remain keeping them empty. So yeah I did that last night then. Why? Because they're worth it. =P

Okay I have no idea what the hesh I'm talking about ha ha ha.

Oh yaaa tomorrow will be my baby's beloved mother, Aunty Ening's birthday. The one who's been so nice to me in everything she says or does. At all times usual often and frequent, I thank her so much for being so good so nice and so kind to me, may Allah bless her always. =)

Ottokae? I miss my baby so damn much right now aih!! ='(

I'm out bye-bye.

Wookie.

2011-04-14T22:34:00.007+08:00

Hello Human. :D

So my boyfriend lately is in love with another girl.

Seo Hyun, who is SNSD's youngest member.

"Sumpah nya cute b aie! Sumpah nya kacak b aie! Sumpah nya hot b aie!"

Those words, THEY REALLY ARE THE FACTORS WHY MY EARS ARE DAMAGED BADLY! You know he made her picture set as his phone wallpaper once. He even kept a few pictures of Seo Hyun in his phone though!

I know when I speak this way sounds so annoying, but tell me why I speak so?

I LOVE IAN SOMERHALDER BUT I NEVER KEPT HIS PICTURES IN MY PHONE.
I LOVE SYAMSUL YUSOF BUT I NEVER MADE HIS PICTURE AS MY PHONE WALLPAPER.

So you see, my baby is being so very unfair!

But however I'm being professional lately ~ so what if he keeps Seo Hyun's picture in his phone? So what if he sets Seo Hyun's picture as his phone wallpaper? Cause I right now am in love with another guy too!

Lee Dong Wook. =) Known as Wookie and he is 30 years old already hehehehe. But HOT still, isn't he? ♥

Well he right now is still serving the country for two years, fyi. =D

Baby, you have your Seo Hyun oh? I no longer care! Cos I have my Wookie, and I have lots of his picture in my phone as well hahahahaha. =P

But still, even if I love Lee Dong Wook, my Nasri Nasaruddin is still the one and only man I cinta! Yes I repeat, CINTA!! =)

I'm out bye-bye.

Siggggghhhhhhhhh.

2011-04-14T21:49:00.005+08:00

Hello Human. :D

I am bored. Yes bored. Really bored. So bored. Dayyum bored. Just bored. Always bored. Yes true. Really true. So true. Dayyum true. Just true. Always true.

Last night Erun texted me saying, "Dh check matrik? Result dh kuar," and I was like OH MY OH MY! Well, kinda nervous cos I am a bit hoping to get at least that one for my back up, just in case if I don't have a chance to go for Asasi later. So I checked for it based on Yot's tips she gave, and guess what did I get as an answer?

"Dukacita dimaklumkan anda tidak berjaya."

And I screamed dayyum loud in my heart right after that. Quite frustrated and felt so down, that's the truth. Many questions attacked my brain then ~ What if I can't even go for Asasi? What if I have to wait for Diploma's second intake since I didn't even apply for Diploma at all while filling in the UPU thingy last time? What if everyone steps one step further before me? What if I'll be an SPM leaver forever? What if this what if that?

Ommo ommo aigoo aigoo. Ottokae ottokae chaebal chaebal. ='(

I then fell asleep accompanied by sadness + frustration and the next morning as I woke up, I read this one text message sent by Yot :

"A'an salah info. Check matrik 28 hb, bukan aritok. Haha."

I was a bit relieved but hey, what if even if it's 28th of April, the fate has already decided that I, Nur Zafirah Razali will never get the chance to go for Matric? Or Asasi even? =( I know I have to be confident and believe that I can and never let anything lets me down. But still. Hmm.

Insya Allah. Just Insya Allah. =)

You know I haven't finished reading 4 novels which I bought a long time ago and sadly, I don't feel like reading at all lately. -.-

Oh and have I told you that I spent some crazy time with this lady last two days?

Dayang Nur Fatin Farah Abang Jeffri. =) My closest friend when I was still in Form Two hehehehehe. She's still the same, the old her ~ rasa kacak, rasa best.

But she indeed, however ~ memang kacak, memang best. =)

I'm out bye-bye.

Layered cakes~

2011-04-05T23:13:00.005+08:00

Hello Human. :D

I had fun with my uncle Ramlee's family last two days as they went to Kuching all the way from KL last few days, I also can't recall. Uncle gave me his own novel, Cinta Sufi for free. Thanks so much uncle!! =)

But the exact thing that I'm focusing with right now is actually about these :

Kek Lapis Dayang Salhah ~ the most famous one in Kpg Gersik. Chongmal?

I went to Kampung Gersik with my mom, Nadia and my aunt to buy layered cakes since it's mostly told by people that the village is so famous with their layered cakes outlet. So yes since my aunt came from KL, we brought her there to find for various types of layered cake that those Kpg Gersik people sell here and there. Well, I'm somehow proud that Sarawak is so well known with its Kek Lapis. =)

I know I'm a Sarawakian, but being honest this time would be my very first time being so 'sakai' with Kek Lapis Sarawak and so addicted to them ha ha ha.

ESPECIALLY THIS ONE!!

Kek Lapis Tiga Serangkai~ Nyam nyam nyam nyaman abis!! HAHAHA. Go buy and try and taste yourself. ;)

Oh ya by the way ~ I'm so gonna miss this chubby kid again!

Muhammad Aizuddin Haiqal also known as Aiddin Sunan. Konon. Haha. =P

We watched Anugerah Bintang Popular Berita Harian that night and argued regarding the should-be-the-winner-the-most when it came to the most popular actor for film. I kept on convincing that Syamsul Yusof should be the winner since he has everything but Aizuddin denied and said ;

"Elehhh Syamsul Yusof tu mane patut menang. Die tu harap muka hensem harap kaye je. Shaheizy Sam lagi bagus!"

Mulut ceredit! Hahaha. And yeah lady luck was not with me, Shaheizy Sam won. -.-'

I'm out bye-bye.

Trunderstandingrust.

2011-03-29T11:06:00.006+08:00

Hello Human. :D

I am now in a relationship with you.

She is now in a relationship with him.

He is now in a relationship with her.

That guy is now in a relationship with that girl.

This girl is now in a relationship with this guy.

That woman is now in a relationship with that man.

Your friend is now in a relationship with your other friend.

So on and so forth. But after awhile?

I went from being 'in a relationship' to 'single'.

She went from being 'in a relationship' to 'single'.

He went from being 'in a relationship' to 'single'.

That guy went from being 'in a relationship' to 'single'.

This girl went from being 'in a relationship' to 'single'.

That woman went from 'in a relationship' to 'single'.

Your friend went from being 'in a relationship' to 'single'.

Apa apaan ini?

The reason why things like these usually happen is because while they're building their relationships, they're not aware of the fact that they actually lost a key which then in the end made the relationships that they built go :

Yes, bombed and collapsed. Sayang oh?

So what key was lost actually?

TRUST.

Trust is the key to each and every relationship. Why? Cause without trust, the relationship is built for nothing and it is seriously so not worth it though. Why build a relationship if there's no trust at all? Why remain the relationship if you hardly trust your partner? Why love someone but you don't trust that someone? Why oh why why why?

Trust means to believe. So when your trust is extended to someone, it means that you have no doubt in your mind regarding the honesty, integrity or even the credibility of the person you're with. No relationship can survive without trust cause as soon as the trust breaks, the relationship breaks and so does the heart. Why? Because in the very first place that trust is not restored.

Trust, like you know, is the foundation on which a relationship is built and it initially is how a relationship starts, and it is through the development of trust that the relationship grows. It is indeed a really vital component in one's relationship. As you can see, trust is essential to a good relationship and a relationship without trust is likely to be easily broken and will never surpass the test of time. So if you do not want to maintain a good relationship with your partner, the final way is simple ~ don't trust. =)

But don't put the blame on the relationship if you're not gembira with it, just put the blame on you yourself cause you're the one who needs no trust in that relationship you built with your partner. =)

After trust, there will be an understanding in the relationship which is also known as the spare key for the relationship which is built. One thing for sure you'll need a spare key when the other key is lost, right? Oh yes without trust, you will hardly understand your patner in everything he/she says or does that you eventually will break him/her heart as well as breaking yours. Have you always been loving to break your own heart as well as your partner's? If you cannot trust, at the just very least try to understand and that's how you can start to trust. Simple, is not it? Trust and understand. Understand and trust. I really don't question why certain people find difficulties in order to do so.

It is trust in a relationship that keeps the bond strong. It is trust in a relationship that remains the relationship to stay strong. It is also trust in a relationship that will nurture the relationship and make it last forever because without trust, a relationship will easily shatter into pieces and when it does it can never be mended. And then after that you'll regret, but however it's worth a damn when everything's already said and done.

It furthermore hurts a whole lot when you're expecting someone you cinta to trust you just the way you trust that someone but that someone hardly does and keeps on hurting you over and over just because that someone does not believe in you.

Maybe for that someone, why does that someone has to believe when in the middle of the word 'BELIEVE', there's a word 'LIE'?

So it's better to just let go.

I'm out bye-bye.

Mind make up.

2011-03-28T17:28:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

I made up my mind.

1. Asasi Undang-Undang.
2. Asasi TESL.
3. Asasi Bahasa Inggeris.
4. Asasi Sains Hayat.

Those four are selected in my UPU's second phase or whatever the name is I also don't know hehehehehe. Wish me luck in order for me to get at least just one of those kay? Thankies~ ;)

Baby, where are you? Can't be reached at all. Call sik saut, sms sik reply. Dimana aja sih kamu?

Don't you realize that I'm dayyum worried about you just right now? ='(

I'm out bye-bye.

To gather night!

2011-03-28T12:59:00.005+08:00

Hello Human. :D

After months of planning, finally our plan to organize a gathering dinner for 5 Terbilang 2010 was a success! So it's successfully held last night, at Garden Steamboat Restaurant, Kuching Sarawak. =)

With Madam Hayati, Madam Beatris, Miss Liew, Sir Cyril and Miss Lau. =)

With Shena, Ayu and Clos. =)

A few people plus teachers were not coming but it's okay, cause at least we had fun though! Alhamdulillah. ;) Thanks a lot very lot to those who came last night and made the event to be very much more happening! One day someday we'll organize something like this for the second time and get ourselves meeting one another again alright? =)

Girls, see you guys in IPTA/IPTS soon! Insya Allah. =)

Etot cashier mata duitan! HAHAHA =P

I'm out bye-bye.

Results nakkkk?

2011-03-24T14:12:00.005+08:00

Hello Human. :D

So yesterday I already got my SPM results!

Total = 4A 2B 3C hehehehe.

I am aware of the fact that mine aren't as good as those whose results are better than the best, but I however am very very very grateful for that. I admit that I lose to my abang because his are better than mine since he got 5As for his SPM last time. I had always been aiming to get the same as his or more, but unluckily I did not and yes I was slightly disappointed due to that.

But it's okay anyway!

"Oh guslah ya.congratz.im proud of you." - Abang-

Hehehehe thank you bang. =)

Remember in one of my previous posts before I posted about what I wanted to be when I grow up? Remember I confessed about myself wanting to be a doctor someday? You know honestly, I guess my future about being a doctor is slightly vague since my SPM results for me are very low, even if they suit the terms and conditions required to study medicine in order to be a doctor.

But how about the persistent competition among myself and those other SPM leavers whose results are all da bomb and much more better than mine who have exactly an ambition of being a doctor just like mine?!

I know I can hardly win so yeah I will be just like this trust me :

Yeah when everyone's excitedly showing their delightful smile, I am sadly showing my fake smile.

My mom said :

"Kadang2 kita memang mena minat ngan mok sesuatu, tapi x semestinya kita akan dapat apa yg kita minat ngan inginkan ya sebab mungkin ada benda nak kita x minat dalam sesuatu benda nak kita minat ya tek. Tapi kita mesti yakin yg ada sesuatu yg lebih bagus gik tengah nunggu kita disebalik semua minat nak kita x dapat ya."

She's right though. I love Biology, but I freaking hate Calculus(something related to Add Maths but tougher maybe) and Chemistry. Thus in order to study medicine, all those need to be studied and scored thoroughly. Ottokajo? Forcing myself to love those 2 subjects I hate would really take forever I kid you not. Seriously dayyum difficult for me. -.-'

So she suggested me to take TESL ~ Teaching English as a Second Language. She told me that she knows what's best for me so yes since for her it's much better if I take TESL, then I'll be just fine with that and yep I'll take it. =)

Lastly, I hereby would really like to congratulate my friends who scored well for their exams. I tumpang gembira for you guys just like this :

HAHAHA well done! See you in IPTA soon alright! Insya Allah, Amin. =)

MAK AND BAPAK, I'm sorry that my results aren't that good but anyway a special thanks to you two for being proud of this first daughter of yours. If it wasn't because of you mom and dad, I really have no idea how my results would turn out to be yesterday. Sayang mamak sayang bapak. SO MUCH! =') ♥

AND THANK YOU SO MUCH MY BABY. We argued so bad before I cried so bad because of you before I hurt so excruciating due to you before but still, you encouraged me not to ignore my studies no matter what so yes you see, I did well for my SPM and passed them all even. =) CINTA MY NASRI NASARUDDIN SO DAMN MUCH MY EE BABY! ♥

MY BEST OF FRIENDS TOO, thank you so much for everything. For teaching me, for supporting me, for always being there for me, for encouraging me, for everything just everything. I SWEAR I LOVE YOU GUYS TO BITS! ♥

Plus to those who had congratulated me, thank you very much. =)

You know right now I really feel like to hug my baby tightly lah hehehehehehe.

Italy, one day someday we'll meet okay. Please wait for me please please please!! ='(

I'm out bye-bye.

Electric!

2011-03-22T21:16:00.006+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Being honest I've been thinking of playing an electric guitar ever since I watched my dad playing it last time. He was a musician once anyway haha. I loved the way it is played so yes since that, I started loving it silently. Sometimes whenever I listen to any pop/rock song I'll picture myself playing an electric guitar and play the song by using it haha. Yes funny I know HAHAHA.

So surprisingly today my dad bought this :

Yes an electric guitar which is indeed orange in color, obviously. What else should I say?! I went on very 'sakai' then HAHAHAHAHA! What an unexpected something is not it? I've been silently loving it before and now I'm loving it even more haha. Guess I'm gonna be very much passionate about learning to play this electric guitar than just an acoustic one, since my dad told me that learning this isn't as complicated as to learn playing an acoustic guitar hehehehe. Is it really true anyway? -.-'

I salute her though!

Oh yes! SPM results will be out tomorrow, 23rd of March year 2011 which will also be Etot's seventeenth birthday. Tot, please regard your SPM results as my most precious and expensive birthday gift I've ever given to you okay? HAHAHA kidding! =P

Last but never least ~ GOOD LUCK FOR TOMORROW EVERYONE!! =D

I'm out bye-bye.

Apa artinya semua ini?

2011-03-21T21:26:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku tahu bahawa Engkau sedang mendugaku ketika ini. Berikan aku kekuatan dan keimanan yang kuat agar dapat aku menghadapinya dengan tabah dan takkan aku rebah walaupun seketika kerana aku mengerti bahawa segala yang terjadi adalah ketentuanMu Ya Allah. =')

I'm out bye-bye.

Differentiating the difference.

2011-03-18T23:08:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

We've been knowing each other for so long.

I thought you've known me so well.

Those things I hate, those things I abhor, those things I despise.

I thought you do know them.

But too bad!

You haven't.

And the baddest,

you don't.

I'm out bye-bye.

Rayyan Fantasi.

2011-03-14T13:17:00.007+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Well I currently am reading :

Rayyan Fantasi. The title sounds nice no? Hehehehe. Written by my uncle, Ramlee Awang Murshid who is an experienced writer I've ever known. Almost all of his novels aren't actually just about love, but instead they're about everything comprising many things ~ Family, religion, love, friendship, evil, sacrifice, facts and much more. Those are the actual factors why his novels are all awesomely creatively written, seriously, I kid you not.

I still remember the times he used to give me a few of his novels whenever I came visiting him and his family at their place somewhere in KL hehe thanks Uncle! By the way I really miss Aizuddin though, his naughty chubby son! Haha. I'm hoping to see them again someday, Insya Allah.=)

Everyone, try reading these :

I bet you'll get emotionally affected by those as you cry reading them. =')

I'm out bye-bye.

Bilik baru ehh? =D

2011-03-14T12:46:00.005+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Have I told you that I wanted to paint my room orange before? So at the very last I already did!! Finallayyy~

Mengarei haha

Ee Tonggek!! Hehehe my 16th birthday present given by my baby last time, last 2009. ;)

Memories should never be forgotten, should not they? I MISS SPM 2010 doh!! =)

A piece of the wrapping paper to wrap Ee Tonggek last 2009. Yep, I'm keeping it still and even have it laminated properly hehehehehe. Precious much though!

I'm not a real bookworm so I have least numbers of book+novel+dictionary to read.

I have that thing wrapped around my desk in my class before! =)

So that's it hehe. I admit that my room isn't too tidy as theirs who are likewise, but I am dayyum glad that I have finally fulfilled my wish to have an orange room. Alhamdulillah. Thanks a lot to my dad for this. Saranghae appa. Love love love you!! =)

HOPEFULLY ESTHER WON'T SAY "OMG RAZ SAKIT MATA AKU NANGGA BILIT KAU," HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I'm not showing off, I'm sharing off. Kekekeke.

I'm out bye-bye.

Merong~

2011-03-13T21:25:00.006+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Just got back from The Spring with my mom and Nadia, and we watched this:

Yep! Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa.

Well the movie was kinda awesome since for me this is the very first time an 'international-like' Malaysian movie was released in Malaysia haha. Guess I'll give 4 out of 5 stars for this. =D

But however there's a highlight for the movie which made me like it the most very very most:

This man!! Hahaha. He played the character as a Roman Prince namely Prince Marcus Carprenius in this Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa movie. The first time he appeared in the movie I was seriously like "Gosh man, you're dayyum hot!!" and I honestly kept on looking forward for his scenes in the movie over and over haha. The real name is Gavin Stenhouse by the way, and he's 25!! =)

But too bad!! This man however........................

.........................belongs to Sharifah Amani.

Dayyum it!

Ehh like I care oh? I have my Nasri Nasaruddin baby hehehehehe. Andddddd for your info he's much more better than Gavin Stenhouse anyway, always! ♥

"Sampai masa tibanya waktu,
redup hati kamu berdua.
Bila dua jasad bersatu,
hidup mati jadi bersama."

I'm out bye-bye.

Oh Jakarta!

2011-03-09T23:30:00.004+08:00

Hello Human. :D

So I just go back from Jakarta yesterday night. Exhausted much though! Jakarta was yeah, nice but still, needs to be managed more. One thing that I love about Jakarta is the shopping malls! I die for those haha. Huge, crowded, lotsa people here and there ~ that's it. You will shop till you drop, seriously! If you withdraw RM 300 and change it to Rupiah, then it is worth Rp 1,000 000 000 which for those Indonesians, is a lot of money. Really!

But however there's still one thing that makes me feel so pitiful about Jakarta. Those people there, I mean the poor ones, their lives are very pathetic I tell you true. If you go to Jakarta you'll see beggars here and there ~ Kids with babies, old men with no legs or arms, blind girls escorted by kids, men sleeping everywhere around the street, people selling this and that etc.

They would do anything just to survive.

Just whenever I saw them I really felt like wanting to help, but knowing that I could not so I could only pray for them, hoping that one day they'll live a much better lives in the future. Amin. =(

I'm out bye-bye.

Hello Jakarta!

2011-03-04T23:08:00.004+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Since tomorrow I'll be leaving for Jakarta so hello Jakarta in advance! My flight from KL to Jakarta is on tomorrow night, err I myself also cannot recall what the exact time is but however I'm off to KL from Kuching tomorrow morning and yep that tomorrow night Jakarta awaits me yadayadadaa.

I'm going there with my dad, and my cousin Eyra is supposed to go too but she's still having her exam right now so yeah, it's just me and my dad. If Eyra is able to come as well I'm sure this second trip of mine of visiting Jakarta for the second time will be a lot more fun plus delightfully delightful etc etc etc! But yaaa what to do~

The last time I went to Jakarta and Bandung was 3 years back which was 2008 when I was still fourteen-turning-to-fifteen-soon also known as a Form Three student haha. Since I did as well go to Bandung last time, now I wonder if I'll get the chance to go there again for this second trip of mine. Maybe I won't cause I won't be staying too long in Indonesia, four days I guess? It ain't a long period of time anyway hehehehehe. ;)

BUT ONE THING FOR SURE I WILL AS HECK BE MISSING MY NASRI BIN NASARUDDIN BABY SO DAYYUM DAYYUM DAYYUM MUCH MORE AND EVEN MORE THAN THE MOST!! ♥

I'm not really that delighted though and in fact, never have I been that eager to fly here and there even. I just have no idea why ehh? Hahaha. Jakarta hopefully will be really fun like how it has always been so, but I'm hoping more to go to Italy very very very soon! =D

If and only if my SPM results do happen to be da bomb.

HA HA HA HA.

I'm out bye-bye.

Dream.

2011-02-25T14:54:00.005+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Have I ever told you that I wanna be a doctor someday? I had this ambition when I was a kid but then as years passed by and I grew up, I didn't really bother about it although I knew the feeling's still there and then in the end I was clueless of what kind of occupation I really wanted for my future after that. I was clueless still and still, until that one day which was a day on the year 2010, I felt like I already got my spirit to have my exact ambition back.

Yes I was certain of it, I wanna be a doctor. A doctor who treats her patients properly and care about their health immensely. A doctor who will always immediately come to help whenever she gets emergency calls from people. A doctor who knows and understands about her patients' problems well and will always find for the cure for every pain that her patients are suffering from. A doctor who can be her patients' good listener and good friend. A doctor who's not that workaholic but is serious in her work and all that. But most of all, I wanna be a doctor who's appreciated by everyone due to her sincerity of helping them and too, a doctor who appreciates those who sincerely seek for her help as well.

Can I really be one?

I've always been wanting to be one, but sometimes when I have my second thought I suddenly lost the confidence. It's like when I'm dreaming of reaching that one dream of being a doctor I smile, but then when I thought about it over and over, the smile dies.

I am not as clever nor brilliant as those who are likewise.
My results for every exam that I sat for before in school had never been fantastic enough.
I am kinda lazy and still I am, though it's not too much.
I got only 4As 1b for my UPSR, 5As 2Bs 1C for my PMR, now how about my SPM? Hm.
I was clueless of my exact ambition when I was still schooling which made me feel like not wanting to struggle a hundred percent back then but now that I am truly certain about the ambition that I want, I wonder if it's already too late for me.
I hardly manage my life problems and my study problems properly for I mix them all when I'm not in a balanced condition especially when my twisted emotions are involved.
In order to be a doctor I have to study Chemistry which has always been the one and only subject that I hate the most, so how do I be a doctor if I need to study that subject as well?
It's said that Calculus is similar like Add Maths but tougher than that and so in order to be a doctor, I have to study Calculus but however will I really make it if even when I was still schooling, I already sucked in Add Maths like a hundred of times?
When I was still a student, I never really liked Biology that I rarely passed the subject for my school exams but now that I'm already into it, isn't it already too late for me?
I have the high spirit of reaching my dream to be a doctor, but how do I actually make it real?

My self-esteem, it's lack. My self-confidence, it's less. Self-esteem and self-confidence, they're all faltering, they're all uncertain. And these are all due to the mistakes I made in the past. Yes, realizing the exact dream of mine when it's already too late.

Wise men say, nothing is impossible. I say, will everything be possible if everything is too late? But hey, however, is it really already too late? Hmm.

SPM results, please come out earlier. To wait for you is torturing me and killing me alive. Man, I'm dying to death.

I'm out bye-bye.

What should I do?

2011-02-21T20:13:00.003+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Well I have just finished watching this one Korean drama titled You're Beautiful @ He's Beautiful last night. And, the drama was........................

Awwwwwwwwwww.

Yes! Awwwww much I lie you not. You know fyi I'm so deeply into one of the drama's OST songs:

Here's the translation in English:

When I let you go one step further, my eyes overflow with tears
When you walk away one step further, more tears are falling
As you move away to a place where I can’t reach you, even if I reach out my hand
I can’t catch you, I can only cry

What should I do? What should I do? You’re leaving
What should I do? What should I do? You’re leaving me
I love you, I love you, I cry out to you
But you can’t hear me, because I am only shouting in my heart

All day long I try to forget you, but I think of you again
All day long I try to say goodbye, but I think of you
Although you went to a place where I can’t hold you, even if my hand reaches out for you
I can’t find you, I can only cry

What should I do? What should I do? I can only see you
What should I do? What should I do? I love you only
I am sorry, I am sorry, can you hear me?
Please come back to me, if it’s not you, I can’t go on

What should I do? What should I do? I only have you
What should I do? What should I do? You’re leaving
What should I do? What should I do? You’re leaving me alone

I love you, I love you, I cry out to you
But you can’t hear me because I am only shouting in my heart.

Even the song is awwwww much. Yeah, touching. I've been creating and having plus experiencing too many memories that I in the end, cried as I listened to this song and read its lyrics translation in English for the very first time.

Kenangan. =')

I'm out bye-bye.

SCREW YOU DOH.

2011-02-19T23:37:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Ehh malasku mok speaking indah.

Kau nang xda benda lain gik nak dikelaka kau nak? Kau empuan, aku empuan, kita sama2 empuan nak? Nang kau even sikit pun xda terlintas dlm palak kah apa rasa aku bila kau klaka gya? Pa dimaok kau snanya smpe kau kenjet gilak kdk ya oh? Aku heran dohh?

Aoklah aku x kenal kau, kau pun x kenal aku, tapi kita 2 tauk sama dirik bah. One thing for sure kita sama2 empuan tp kau hormat aku sebagai seorang perempuan sikit boleh x? Oi x semua rempuan sama doh! So batas2 kau ya x susah mun kau mok jaga nak? Aku bukan jaik gine juak oh, gik hal lain dipolah kau ngn nya aku ok, aku dpt tolerate.

P kau rasa bila kau polah benda kdk ya aku dapat tolerate kah?

Oooo orang bolehla padah benda ya xda pa2, org boleh pdh benda ya x patut jd issue bagi aku, org boleh pdh ya bicara normal kawan dengan kawan, tp ya kata org. KATA AKU SIK KEDAK YA OH. Pandangan tanggapan aku lain! Aku ada hati ada perasaan juak do. Sakit hati aih ko paham x? Mesti kau x paham nak sebab ya kau polah giya HAHA.

Kau tok nangggggg.....

X pandeku nak madah.

Nasri bin Nasaruddin is already mine. Yes oh okay I am aware of the fact that before this he's already gone but now obviously he's ALREADY BACK. So can't you see that YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO AT LEAST SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT TOWARD MY FEELINGS AS A GIRLFRIEND OF NASRI'S?

Speaking juak aku last-last tek nak.

I'm out bye-bye.

P^%$#.

2011-02-19T09:54:00.003+08:00

Hello Human. :D

I love it.

I'm out bye-bye.baby is gai.=) and i love it.then cinta it.and i it it it it it it it it.=)misery?bisin!huh!hahaha.got u back dlm lagu misery.bby manas?knk?hahahaha!sora mek kck gk dri sora bby yg sengong ya.hahahaha.

The importance of loving 14th of February.

2011-02-14T23:10:00.004+08:00

Hello Human. :D

14th of February, a day mostly regarded as couples celebrating it with love~ Flowers are given, Teddy Bears are given, candle light dinners are had, guys' arms around the girls' waists as they dance romantically, walking around the street holding hands under the light of the moon and the stars, having the couples' eyes staring at each other and start kissing as they whisper "I love you" to their partners and eventually end themselves up on the beds wearily. You know what I mean ha ha haaaaaaa.

But that's not the exact point why I'm loving 14th of February. I don't even celebrate Valentine's Day alright? Because for me..................

14th of February, a day mostly regarded as someone important plus significant in my life's birthday. He was born on the year 1992, and just today he has turned nineteen. =)

Guess who the lucky man is?

Yepppppp! Nasri Bin Nasaruddin. =)

So just now I went to KGS celebrating his birthday with his family and Kak Qeen. I could say nothing but THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR INVITING ME ALONG. I appreciated and cherished today more than words I tell you true. =)

Yes thank you a lot Aunty Ening for the pictures. =))

What else should I say?

Yep! Selamat Hari Lahir Nasri Bin Nasaruddin, the man I cinta, the one and only. ♥ May Allah bless you and your family, and may your nineteenth birthday bring lotsa love, luck and joy into your life. I will always pray for you, for your everything. I will always remember 14th of February, and I will always remember you. You will always be remembered and never will you be forgotten in my life cause baby, you're a part of it. =)

Nur Zafirah CINTA Nasri S.D.M!! Where S.D.M stands for SO DAMN MUCH! ;)

I'm out bye-bye.

Dental appoinments.

2011-02-11T20:26:00.008+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Have I ever told you that I'm a braces wearer? So that thing has been with me for a year++ I also can't recall. Okay the thing I wanna talk about here isn't about my braces, it's about my 'once-a-month-dental-appoinment' and what do I dislike the most regarding to attend every appoinment on every month like that.

People peering into my mouth while my teeth are being examined.

Dayyum that thing I hate plus dislike it so much I really do! When they act that way like that they seriously seem like being so freaking 'poretic' and 'sakai' to see my teeth do you understand me? That's just so annoying, seriously and obviously and really really!

A picture is worth a thousand words. You see the picture above? That's just a little, mine has always been even worse I kid you not! 2, 3, 4, 5 people consistently peering into your mouth and you see each of them while you lay down on the dental chair rigidly, won't you feel awkward much due to that?

I WOULD!

And I have always been would. Just today I went for my I-do-not-know-time dental appoinment and yes like usual, I was stucked laying on the dental chair with myself seeing many faces peering into my mouth and the only thing I had in mind was 'Dayyum these people please stop doing this agonizing thing to me!!' but I knew they would never stop doing that unless the dental examination is done.

Has that kind of action always been noted in their Must-Do list?!

I got extra annoyed today for your info. While I was yeah, like usual, laying myself down on the dental chair while waiting for the dentist to come to continue examining my teeth, there was this one staff asking me so many questions and heck yes I was dayyum annoyed.

He: Cute gigi ktk oh, mcm ktk juak.
Me: Oh k.
He: Nur Zafirah Razali nama ktk oh?
Me: Aok.
He: Boleh berkenalan x?
Me: .................
He: Baruk abis sekolah kah?
Me: Aok.
He: Sekolah ne dolok?
Me: Matang.
He: Matang Jaya kah Matang Hilir?
Me: Jaya.
He: Ktk kenal ex kmk x?
Me: Sapa?
He: Nur Zafirah Razali namanya.
Me: Sik.

Noticing that I didn't feel like responding to him, he went away and didn't come back. HAHAHA. Staf lain x pnh kedak ya gilak, tang nya jak lebih2. Dahla aku angol, makin nya kedak ya makin lah aku angol nak? Sorry la nak~

So that's it, the story for today. Pengajaran hari ini: Jangan angolkan seseorang yang tengah angol kerana orang yg tengah angol itu akan menjadi lebih angol sekiranya diangolkan. -Fyraz-

I guess I have one or two months left before I will officially be a no-longer-braces-wearer hahahahaha. I CANNOT WAIT DOH!!!!!!! When I say 'cannot wait', that doesn't only mean that I can't wait to see my teeth are done perfectly..................

...........BUT MOST OF ALL IT MEANS A LOT LIKE I CANNOT WAIT TO FEEL FREE FROM FEELING EFFING ANNOYED EVERYTIME I GO FOR MY DENTAL APPOINMENT!!!! NAKKKK??!!

Kekekekeke.

I'm out bye-bye.

Such an experience!

2011-02-10T17:12:00.008+08:00

Hello Human. :D

So today I already had my JPJ tests done which are categorized as Bahagian Dua and Bahagian Tiga. Bahagian Dua is for Ujian Menaiki Bukit, Ujian Meletak Motokar Secara Masuk Belok and Ujian Pusingan Tiga Penjuru whereas for Bahagian Tiga is called as an 'on the road' test or whatever the name is.

I at first was nervous and mildly intimidated for the Ujian Menaiki Bukit, yes that one and only! I used to get the car I drove 'turun bukit' whenever I was practicing that one. How lame. It had mostly been kinda difficult and complicated for me to balance and handle the clutch and the gas pedal that it always made the car's engine turn off and go down the hill then.

But this time, today during my test, I made it! All the Bahagian Dua tests were smoothly and finely done! =)

Alhamdulillah, everything went just fine except for the Bahagian Tiga one. -.-'

Get ready everyone I'm gonna share you this one experience of mine.

You know for the very first time, being the 'lucky pick', I was 'luckily' picked to drive a Perodua Viva for that test. I in the first place was like 'Aih gosh gine endak rasa drive Viva tok ehh' cause you know, it's systematically manual and IT WAS VIVA NOT KANCIL which I used to be practicing with before so that Viva, frankly speaking, sucks.

Yes it's brand new, but it sucks.

So I went into the car and started my conversation with the JPJ tester, but he's not friendly at all so I remained silent then and started completing my task. I didn't recognize his face though and just by seeing him being so 'cold' made me not feeling like seeing his face, what more to talk to him!

I started driving after that, slowly and steady, and as I was just a few metres away from the institute's gate, accidentally the car's engine turned off and stopped right in the middle of the road. I got panicked I seriously did. And the JPJ tester yelled fiercely, "Pahal berhenti tengah jalan raya tok?!".

Listening to that kind of yell made me feel even freaked out and panicked even more! I apologized, started the car and in just a few seconds after that, the car's engine turned off and stopped again! I believed that it was due to my nervousness and fear plus because I hardly suited myself driving a manual Viva car for the very first time cause it used to be just Kancil before. Dayyyuummmm, my heart said. And that JPJ tester yelled again, "Pahal mati gik tok? Failed jak ktk tok eh!".

Screw everything, seriously. I apologized and started the car again and calmly, I drove it safely and slowly and normally and after that, the car didn't stop anymore. It went just fine then BUT I KNEW IT WAS JUST A BEGINNING.

There was that one time while I was on the road driving, something happened to the car that made it function abnormally, I do not have a word to describe it even. So again fiercely, the JPJ tester yelled at me, he said "Pahal motor tok kedak tok?! Ktk tok dh diajar kah x?! Ktk x diajar cikgu ktk kah cara nak ngembak moto betol2?!" and he kept on nagging me and much more etc.

DID NOT HE REALIZE THAT HE WAS ACTUALLY MAKING IT TO GET EVEN HARDER ON ME?!

He should have just talked politely, not yelling fiercely. I know that some might accept it, but some might not, and that included me. I just needed a little tolerance from him, that's all. Everybody makes mistakes bah nak? I was dayyum offended and angry and disappointed so I cursed and scolded him as much as I could. But he didn't listen or notice them cause I just expressed them all in my heart.

The JPJ tester who was testing me was very very very strict and fierce, sitting next to him really made me feel like being a girl whose life is numbered that he made me feel like being killed alive slowly and silently. The only thought I had in mind was just to finish the session quickly, regardless of whatever my result would be. I didn't care. I JUST WANTED IT TO END VERY QUICK.

So as the session had finally finished, I set the car's 'free gear' mode and pulled up the handbrake and waited until the JPJ tester lend my results to me. I thought I would fail and would be doing the test again for the second time so I courageously asked him, "Bila mek test on the road gik?" and he after that directly nagged me about something which I didn't bother at all. I had no idea whether he was nagging or just advising cause the only thing I was thinking of was just to get out of the car imediately, I could not stand the atmosphere anymore I lie you not. But then he gave me my results before I got out, and surprisingly......................

And that's how I could eventually smile and grin with relief again! =D I scarcely believed it though, seriously HAHAHA. I showed the results to my tutor and told her regarding what had happened and she said, "Mun gik setakat mati enjin 2 kali tengah jeraya ya x semestinya lalu failed,". So yeah, hahahaha. =D

Erun said the JPJ tester was just trying to test me psychologically while I was driving on the road, just to figure out how would I respond when he acted that way fiercely and strictly, I guess Erun was right cause I noticed that he was no longer yelling at me while he was marking and confirming my final result before I got out from the car. Don't you also think so?

But still however, anyway, THANK YOU SO MUCH UNCLE JPJ! =))

ALHAMDULILLAH. =)

I'm out bye-bye.

A touching yet exciting today! =')

2011-02-08T17:51:00.008+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Yesterday I planned on coming over to Yot's house this evening around 4 p.m but last night Yot texted me and wanted me to come even earlier than that, which would be 10 o'clock in the morning cause Erun and Apiz would also be there during that period.

Yot said Erun and Apiz would go back early so she wanted me to come earlier. Yot said Erun would go back by 1 p.m. Yot said Apiz would be having his driving lessons in the evening. Yot said she had to go to the clinic in the evening. Yot said she had some things to do in the evening. Yot said this excuse, Yot said that excuse. Lots of excuse. -.-'

She also said that she needed me being there badly cause she had lotsa things to be confessed to us. She sounded so depressed, down, in misery, sad and all that so she needed all of us to be there, yes, all of us except for Etot and A'n cause they're working. I pitied her so as a friend, I should be by her side and comfort her as long as she needs me to.

"If only you can come tomorrow then you can understand masalah aku ngn family aku. Benda nak dipadah ku ngn kau ya tek just bits and pieces of the whole story jak. Yalah, mun kau dpt pegi kau pdh aku gik k, p I really hope that you can make it... :("

Tedahku nenga.

Thus yes, by 10 a.m this morning Erun's brother fetched me and sent Erun and I to Yot's place. So I was sitting at the table with Apiz while I flipped through SMK MJ last year's magazine brought by Erun and she was in the kitchen with Yot doing things which I did not bother at all HAHA. =P

Then Yot and Erun came and approached us at the table and I saw Erun coming with a whole chocolate cake on her hands. I wondered what was the cake for and I thought it meant nothing and just as a purpose of 'makan makan gya jak', really. She then placed it on the table, in front of me, and they including Apiz right after that said, "Surprise!!".

And heck yes, WHAT A SURPRISE!! =D The cake was bought specially for me!! Yot told me that she knew I was not in a balanced condition and depressed and knew that I was crying and dying and tortured inside, so she bought me a cake to cheer me up. =))

And seriously I was dayyum excited plus touched and I then ran to her straight away, hugged her and thanked her so much! =')

Plus you know what? All those excuses she gave me last night were just pure lies, she actually was not facing any problems at all and those were just fake excuses from her so that I would agree to come to her place earlier. Yot, Apiz and Erun had been planning this without myself knowing it even for just a little info and yes, their plan worked successfully!! Hahaha.

Rugi Etot ngan A'an xda. =P

Sausages cooked by Yot. Setengah masak setengah mantak HAHAHAHAHA tapi licin juak last2 ehhh. =P

So that's it! What else can I say? I WAS SURPRISED, I WAS TOUCHED, I WAS EXCITED AND I WAS SO DAYYUM DELIGHTED I REALLY DID!!! =))

They threw my sadness away and honestly they made me feel even stronger in order to deal with my problems! And yes hey hey heyyy I am sooooooo fine now! =))

Thank you so dayyum freaking much and a whole lot to Nurul Hidayah, Hairunisa Hamiz and Muhd Hafiizhullah! You guys totally truly made my day a whole freaking lot and I LOVE YOU GUYS TO BITS I REALLY SERIOUSLY IMMENSELY DO!! ♥

You guys are really my friends dunia akhirat I swear! ='))

I'm out bye-bye.

Dan terjawablah sudah. =)

2011-02-07T12:32:00.007+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Today's 7th of February year 2011, so a month of my 'relationship-break-up' is officially declared. I did tell you that I wanted him to come back and I was waiting for his answer didn't I?

"Kita kwn lok now Fyraz k.. Mek hrp tak fhm la.."

So you see, that was his answer. =)

I frankly admit that I went 'Oh okay, oh okay, oh okay why does it seem to be so hard for me to accept the fact?' and I was speechless and my mind was lost and all that, my heart couldn't elaborate or tell. That honestly wasn't the thing which I expected it to be, but I knew my hope and expectations were not really that high. I thought I was heck dreaming but yes it's a reality and I was still awake, I wasn't sleeping at all. My eyes were still opened and they're not closed even for just a second, I could still feel the warmness of my surrounding environment and most of all I could obviously and deeply feel that something wet was rolling down my cheeks continuously.

I was aware of the fact that I wasn't dreaming.

Have you ever experienced being rejected by the person you love before? Let me tell you here that last night was my second time ha ha ha. =P When he told me that, I felt like myself and I was thrown back to 2008 where I for the first time was waiting nervously for Aen's answer and in the end he told me that he couldn't come back to me again and things like how they used to be could never be repeated between us any longer. So last night I realized that I was living in 2011, and it was Ee not Aen, but somehow those feelings of being rejected were all totally precisely definitely the same.

Hurtful, painful, tearful. I could not deny that.

But it's okay, cause I'm anyhow trying and struggling and striving to be a bigger person who does not afraid of whatever kind of obstacles the future might bring someday. The only important thing to be done for now is just this one, I should I have I need I must and I ought to avoid myself from having myself possessed by the sorrowness of my past again. I have to get rid of it before it gets me and kills me alive. I need to be tough cause life's a climb. Every cloud has a silver lining, I believe that everything happens for a reason and so should you. =))

And I even believe that Ee has his own reasons why he chose the path. Maybe it's for his own good, maybe for mine, or maybe for us. Words can never tell. He knows, Allah knows. =)

After all, things had all been confessed and let out so I guess I wouldn't be hurting as much as before. I am hurting, I do admit it, but I however believe that this won't last too long. In dealing with frustrations, one must be strong and has high self esteem and with that, they'll stay stronger and be the strongest who can stand together with those who are likewise someday.

I told him that I would surely wait for him, I promised him that I would do so, really, I meant it. But I however can never promise that I'd wait forever, or even for eternity cause I realized that I'm still a human who still needs to own a new chapter in her new life and move on, so therefore I'll only be waiting as long as my heart and my soul are capable of doing so. I have my own reason for that.

My body is still alive, my pulse is still pounding, my blood is still flowing, yes they're all still working normally and undead. But my heart and my soul, they're tortured and are slowly killed alive. Once they're dead, they can never work anymore. And once they can never work anymore, they can never be used any longer.

Unless there will be something which is able to make them alive and be brand new again.

And that's specifically my reason why. =)

Those words of mine are metaphorically written, if you understand it, then good for you. ;)

I'm out bye-bye.

A day to remember. =)

2011-02-05T23:21:00.009+08:00

Hello Human. :D

So today was fun. Exhilaratingly fun! =) Ee's little cousin, Syahmi, was going to celebrate his birthday at KFC Batu Kawah today so Ee and his family invited me along. =)

Syahmi, the birthday boy. Comel nya kan? Mcm anak jepun+cina+korea hehehe. =P

Aihhh gne pande ada gamba tok indah dlm post tok haissshhh sorry!! =P

Dhia, Aqim and Ee. See that man on the right side? I ADORE HIM. =)

I enjoyed chatting with Ee's cousins and enjoyed watching them playing those games organized by KFC members. Music chairs, blow-and-pop-the-balloons, the-fastest-mashed potato-eater and all that I had no idea what their specific names were hehehe. In the nutshell yes, I enjoyed myself so much I really did! =D

Being frank, I have always wanted to have families like them. So full of fun and joy and have that high kind of 'together as one family' spirit. And so whenever I'm with them, I feel like as if I'm a part of them, as if I'm one of the members, as if I really am related to them, thus that makes me feel so comfortable being around them. And one thing for sure, I find delightfulness whenever I'm with them even. Really. =)

Not saying that my families are unsatisfactorily unsatisfactory as Ee's, it's just that there's something missing about them which I myself have no idea how to elaborate it. Maybe this is because they're all busy with their own life bussinesses and that's why I feel so, probably? But it's okay cause however I am grateful to have them, I really do, cause at least I do have families and not like those who are less fortunate who do not own even just a family at all. Bersyukurlah dengan apa yg ada walaupun tidak memuaskan seperti org lain, kerana sesungguhnya merekalah yg diperlukan ketika kita sangat-sangat memerlukan. =)

Ok back to today's story, I went to Ee's grandparents' place right after the party ended. I played with Meena and helped Ee's grandma, Nek Cek wash a few dishes while Ee was resting, kepak kata diriknya tek hahahahahaha. =P Around 7 p.m like that I went 'jalan-jalan' with Ee before fetching Gg. Within that time while Ee and I were in the car, I talked about so many things to him, confessed to him regarding my problems and all that and yes I cried haha. I struggled so much to hold back my tears but I totally couldn't and in the end, they fell like rain. After an agonizing long period of time of keeping things down to myself, finally I let them out, all of them. He comforted me and yes I was comforted and consoled by him then. You know I really love it whenever I'm with him, cause it makes me feel like the world is so mine. =') I guess that's something that I'll miss a whole lot if he's really no longer around me anymore.

I cherished today. I appreciated today. So much. A whole lot. =)

Anyway, thank you so much Ee and family for bringing and inviting me along to Syahmi's birthday party. =) Bukan selalu dapat makan KFC free hehehehehehe. =P

And a special thanks to my baby, Nasri bin Nasaruddin. I adore you sayang, I'll always do, even if you really will no longer be mine someday. =')

I'm out bye-bye.

Let go.

2011-02-04T21:01:00.005+08:00

Hello Human. :D

This song is dayyum meaningful plus touching. Immensely, deeply, really, seriously.

Last night I was thinking and thinking and thinking over and over and I even slept for only 3 hours++ due to that. The only thing that I was thinking about was just this one,

"Was I the one who's being too selfish all this while?"

And now I already got the answer and it's a yes. It's almost a month, and I just realized my mistakes. I guess I've been the one who's guilty the most throughout the time. I shouldn't be jealous due to things that he did, why should I anyway? I admit that I was envious of those girls, cause I wanted only me to be given attention from him, just me thus I was unsatisfactorily unsatisfied because of that. Yot said that I was so not being myself cause I used to be a girl who doesn't have that kind of 'jealousy nature' that way. But Raz, why? What's wrong with you Fyraz?

I know, and I do admit that I was being so dayyum egoistic. It's been a part of my soul, I can never resist that, really, it's too hard too difficult to be done. I know it causes bad luck for me, but what can I do in order to get rid of it anyway? I am too, aware of the fact that surely there's a way to vanish that egoism from keep on possessing me, but how do I find for the way? How?

And because of me being too egoistic, the only man I cinta has been suffering too much, just too much and it's all because of me.

"Baby nang x penah mok ngakuk dirik bby sorang jak salah oh? Mesti mok carik kesalahan org lain juak! Bby tok ego na juak eh."

And he was totally right. I just realized that I'm so really truly sorry.

"First thing first you have to ask yourself, kau mok menangkan ego kau or kau mok nya lari dari idup kau forever? X patut kau layan gilak ego kau ya mun kau gik mk nya balit. Even kau takut kau malu knk reject pa indah ya, how would you know if you haven't tried? Bak kata Alvin, don't say parai before you try it. Don't be bothered by the risks first tapi think about what you really want to do. Mun kau x sggp mok ilang Ee, forget your ego and face him. It's maybe your first time doing such thing since kau pdh all this while Ee yg plh gya, but who knows nak, bila kau gk plh gya nya akan berubah hati? At least he knows that you have the courage to pursue him back. RAZ YOU HAVE TO HOLD ON TO THE VERY VERY END BEFORE YOU CAN THINK OF LETTING GO, GET THAT?" -Yot-

When she said all those I honestly was still hesitating. Should I or should I not? I was dayyum dazed and confused, seriously. My egoism was still possessing me even. But then again Yot said....

"Serious ku pdh kau, boh layan ego kau mun ati kau mena2 mok ngn nya. Apa nak ku observe, you haven't hold on to him to the very end yet Raz. You're so full of your own ego and now that he ran away, you didn't catch him and hold on to him because you're thinking of your ego. Don't be like that Raz or you will regret it for your entire life. Mark my words."

So being courageous plus nervous plus 'egoism free', I talked with Ee on the phone this evening and yes, confessed and expressed whatever things I could to him. Everything, all the thing, every single thing, each of them. I did cry a few times cause I failed to hold back my tears from falling. How I regret for being someone who's so full of mistakes but never wanna admit them all.

Then, for the very first time in my life with him, I told him the most selfish thing I've ever said in my life;

"Baby, I want you back."

I swear that was the most selfish thing I've ever said to him, ever. I understand that he's still not in a balanced condition due to what I had done to him, so I gave him some time and space to think wisely for the answer. For him, for me, for us. I know it won't be that easy for him to simply accept me just like that, cause he's been suffering and hurting too much just because of me, I know that precisely right.

"After apa yg kau dh plh kat nya, ko nanyak aku phl nya susah gilak nk return Raz? Kau pike nya xda perasaan kah? Of course nya perlu masa k terimak suma ya before he can think of a way to handle it. Even you yourself plu masa juak tauk x. Don't rush Raz or things will just gonna get upside down. K?" -Yot-

And she was absolutely correct. I really realize my mistakes very well I really do. I was a bad girlfriend weren't I? I know that. You know I somehow think that he doesn't deserve me but someone who is a thousand times better than me. So I won't question why if he really doesn't want me any longer, just if he really does not.

So now the choice is his, either to accept or to reject. I can never imagine what kind of answer will he give me later cause even I myself right now am still nervous whenever I think of whatever his answer will be. Dayyum nervous. But I know I have to be strong and mentally prepared for that. And the most important thing is I really have to resist myself from being possessed by my past, like really really really ought and need and have to. My past sucks, like so dayyum much and I don't want it to come to me again. Sumpah aku x mok. Hmmm.

I just have to be tough, and strong, and prepared, and there's no need to rush. Rushing decisions cause painful results in the end, I've always been experiencing them so yes, I know.

But however you know what, when everything has fully been confessed and expressed to him already, I frankly felt this one kind of feeling though. Guess what is it? Relief. Yes I kid you not. Though it did hurt me and cause me crying but at least as a result then, I could finally smile with relief. =)

And I hopefully hope that I can still smile sincerely even if his answer someday will be "No, I'm not coming back to you, I'm sorry."

I'm out bye-bye.

Room updating.

2011-02-03T20:25:00.003+08:00

Hello Human. :D

I just got back from The Spring with my mom and Nadia. Nadia and mak had their lunch first at SCR Express restaurant while I just sat there and watched them eating deliciously haha I told you my appetite is already dead and that's why I didn't eat hehehehe.

So I was on my way, alone, to the toilet nearby when I saw this one familiar face sitting on the bench. It's Aunty Su, Ee's aunt. She smiled at me, but my vision was still blurred. My eyes were bad, well they have always been bad, so I scarcely recognized her in the first place. So when I've already seen and recognized her clearly, I said "Aih! Cik Su Ee duhal," and approached her, 'salam' her and talked with her for a while. She looked very different, and even different than how she used to when we met before. She looked younger and prettier I tell you, seriously. She dressed up like a diva who's very very very da bomb! No wonder I hardly recognized her at first hehe. I bet she's even prettier when she was a teenager! =D

Talking about her reminds me of Yaya and Dhia, her pretty daughters. How I miss playing with them and have Yaya kissed my cheeks whenever we meet! And U'ul too, I miss her. All of them! =)

Okay regarding the title above, I'm actually on my way to update my bedroom~ The reason why I went to TS just now was because I wanted to buy this one set of bed sheet, I was with Eyra and Putri when I saw it last time, it's orange in color and I lalaloved it mannnn haha it really did capture my eyes! So, satisfactorily, it's already mine starting from now on since I have bought it just now and even made use of it properly already jeng jeng jeng. =P

Eh yaaa for your info, I even bought a new table lamp and it's orange in color juak dohh HAHAHA! My 'Room Updating' progress is half done, and now I'm on my way to paint my bedroom with yes, an orange color as well hahahahahaha. Can't wait!!!! I've frankly been longing for all these things, it's been one of my dreams and soon, this dream of mine will come true!! Having an orange bedroom, though it will hurt many eyes but at least, it won't hurt mine. =D

I'll show you how my room looks like once it's fully done okeh? Hehehehehehe.

Dad: Sedia jak mata sakit nangga bilit Pia tok semua warna oren kelak.
Me: Laleknya, yg penting mata mek x sakit nangga. (I laughed)
Dad: Katel dh warna oren, table lamp dah oren, bilit tok pun x lamak gik oren. Nun pahal tang ada warna itam atas bantal ya? (Pointing at Ee's sweater on one of my pillows)
Me: Ya xdahal Pak, ya x boleh dikecualikan. Mesti mok ada juak~ Mun xda susah mek, xpat mek tdo malam eh.
Dad: Edeh edeh nama org dah angau.
Mom: Nak bena pdh I nya ya beraie ngan Ee.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Told you his sweater has been my company for so long. I swear I can never sleep without it!! =D

By the way just now while I was searching for other things at Parkson, there's this one guy approaching me surprisingly. He claimed that he knew me and said that we were tuitionmate once when we're still in Form Four. He asked me why did I quit too early before he got the chance to know me, he said he missed to see me again so much. He also said that he did search for me on Facebook, but the result turned out zero. He asked for my phone number, my email, my home address and all that, and so much more.

Ktk Nur Zafirah Razali, sekolah Matang Jaya dolok nak?
Ktk ditunggah org Fyraz nak?
Ktk ingat mek gik x?
Ktk tusyen Add Maths kat CTC time Form Four dolok nak?
Pahal ktk quit tusyen awal gilak?
Brapa numb handphone ktk?
Brapa numb phone rumah ktk?
Apa home address ktk?
Apa email address ktk for Ym or Skype or Msn?
Apa nama ktk dlm Facebook?
Ktk single kah nektok?
Ktk ada kerja cne2 x?
Ktk kenak plkn x?

I felt like being interviewed, it was dayyum annoying, really.

And the only thing I had exactly in mind was, "Who on Earth is this guy? I don't even know his name, don't even recognize his face, what more to say to know him as my ex-tuitionmate?!".

I'm out bye-bye.

A deal's a deal.

2011-02-02T20:36:00.005+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Yep, a deal's a deal. So in order to be a person of my word, the deal must be done clearly am I right? I actually was requested by Ee to list out all of my bad deeds that I had ever done to him before, he seemed like dare me doing so, so why not? I accept the challenge~ I want not to be called as someone who knows only to put the blame on others without blaming myself thus I'm gonna do this with open heart and open arms yes yes. =)

I did take pictures with other guys too close.
I did text other guys without informing him.
I did sit next to other guys.
I did comment on other guys's wall post on Facebook.
I did approve friend requests from other guys on Facebook.
I did ride motorcycles with other guys.
I did ride cars with other guys.
I did talk on the phone with other guys without informing him.
I did drive other guys home.
I did make body contacts with other guys.
I did being friendly with other guys.
I did hang out with other guys.
I did forget to inform him regarding wherever I go and whatever I do.

He used to get excruciatingly hurt whenever I do even just one of those deeds. I still remember clearly how upset and angry and frustrated he was when I did all that before. He scolded me, I kept on defending myself, blaming him, claiming that he's just being 'super jealous' and trusted me not and all that. I blamed him, I never wanna blame myself, never, seriously. Soon then I realized I was almost crossing the line, hurting the man I love and disappointing him, too much without myself knowing it, and thus that the lessons learned, little by little I tried to change for him and then finally.....

I never took pictures with other guys too close again.
I never texted other guys without informing him again.
I never sat next to other guys again unless it's an 'emergency'.
I never commented on other guys' wall post on Facebook again unless it's approved by him.
I never approved friend requests from other guys on Facebook again unless it's approved by him.
I never rode motorcycles with other guys again.
I never rode cars with other guys again.
I never talked on the phone with other guys without informing him again.
I never drove other guys home again.
I never made body contacts with other guys again and would always avoid myself from getting even just a little body contact with them.
I was no longer friendly with other guys again.
I never hung out with other guys again.
I never forgot to inform him regarding wherever I go and whatever I do again.

See how pathetic I was before? But because of him, I've learned how to take care of the man I love's feelings and tried my best not hurting him even I know I sometimes do.

Some said, "Ya Allah Raz nk ne kau ya begerek ngn laki nak control kau gilak kdk ya, mun aku x aku tahan ngn nya eh," or "Nang syg kau ngn gerek kau ya sampe kau sanggup juak knk control nya Raz," and you know my cousin Ein even said, "Kenak gerek kau jadi Zila nombo 2 Piah? Mun aku lmk dh ku xmk laki kdk ya, relaku carik nk lain jak,".

HAHAHAHA. I know they're not satisfied with my man, I mean, my ex-man. =D But why would I care? He was mine, and I would do anything just to please him, even if I have to hurt myself in order to do so hehehehe. =)

Mereka tak faham, mereka tak tahu. ;)

..........and the only thing I could answer for every question was, "Taukku, tapi aku dh lamak ngn nya, aku dh kenal nya, so aku dh terbiasa dh ngn suma ya,". =)

I admit that in the first place it was so dayyum difficult to change from someone we've been used to be to a brand new someone, but trust me that time heals all, and once everything is healed, you will no longer feel the pain of changing to someone new. =)

It's the same like being a vampire though! In order to complete the transition phase, one must feed on human's blood so that one will survive and if not, one will die. So choose, to die or to survive? Being a vampire will hurt silently because it's way different from being a human, but even if it hurt at least it's worth one's life and one will live even longer than any other humans' in the whole wide world and that eventually will make one stronger. Oh yes, I thank The Vampire Diaries for this info. =P

By the way don't you think that I've slightly run away from the main topic? Hahaha.

I'm out bye-bye.

Selamat Pagi.

2011-02-02T07:50:00.003+08:00

Hello Human. :D

So today I woke up earlier than usual cause I need to walk Nadia to school this morning. What a cold morning I thought~ Yes it was. And after that yeah, macam biasa, I've done with all those household chores hehe.

Okay now I'm still planning on my what-to-do list. You know my life after SPM is boring. The holidays are boring, seriously I kid you not. I'll be having my JPJ test next week, Thursday 10th of February year 2011 and prolly a week++ after that, if I do pass, I'll then get my driving license already.

Not to say that I'm eager much to get that driving license, it's just a form of something like 'Yay' cause I will at least feel less bored once I've already gotten it, and can lessen my parents' burdens as well. If I need to go anywhere further than just Tmn Matang Jaya, at least they won't be burdened to send me there or fetch me or anything related to that. Well, I'm such a good daughter aren't I hehehehehehe. =P

5T 2010 gathering! Me, Yot, Ayon, Kibin and Apiz will be in charge for that. Starting this month, prolly right after I have my driving license already, we'll be very active managing for the upcoming event. We wanna make it happen and we wanna make it really alive plus happening and exciting etc. Seriouslayyyy, we miss our ex-classmates and teachers so much that we're immensely getting ourselves into this gathering thingy. =))

I'm out bye-bye.

I know....

2011-02-01T13:24:00.007+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Dan bermulalah sudah era single Fyraz kekeke.

I honestly, badly wanna confess everyeachsinglething regarding what I'm feeling right now in my heart BUT malas lah, I've been confessing too much oh? Better move on than getting myself emotional much hehehehe.

But I'll confess a lil bit however aa~

You..................................

Yalah I know it was my mistake in the first place, but I did it for reasons! Bukan suka2, bukan nak jadi pengempang. I am aware of the fact that my burdens before had nothing to do with you but I was the one who felt them, carried them and faced them, I admit I was stressed out because of that and yes I was tensed, and that's why I wanted to break up with you well it's not because I was being too 'ngekot hati' but because I wanted you not to be the one who would get and feel the 'tempias' someday, I mean once I could no longer bear the burdens anymore.

You do know that I can simply get angry easily whenever I'm tensed and stressed out don't you?

Haaa! Because I cinta you lah I mintak break. Ne I maok nangga laki yg I cinta merasa tempias beban I juak. ;) I know myself very well as well as you do, so do you really have to question why did I have to leave you for a while due to those burdens I was carrying before? =)

Buttttt! Within the times while we're 'away' from each other, you did maaaaaannnnnyyyyyyy things which then made me feel like, "Ya Allah kenak nya molah camtok ngn aku I'm hurting too much eh kin bertambah beban eh makin sakit eh susah aku mok return dolok eh."

See? Bila saya mahu kembali, kamu bikin masalah lagi. Bila saya sudah 'fedap', saya perlu masa lagi. Bila kamu mahu kembali, saya belum dapat lagi. Bila kamu kecewa, saya pula yang dimarahi. Bila keadaan sudah jadi begini, dua2 hilang dalam masalah yg dihadapi, dua2 jugalah belum jumpa jalan keluarnya lagi. =)

Saya salah sbb saya yg minta break, tapi kamu juga slh sbb kamu yg memanjangkan masanya. =)

Jadi, salah siapa? Salah kedua duanya laaa hehehehe. I can't only blame you, cannot even put the blame only on me because I believe that the problem was caused actually from both of us, don't you agree?

Tapi past is past right? After all I've already found for the best solution for each of us last night. I told you about that already so you know already lah kan? =)

Soooo.. Let us both go our separate ways, even if doing it would be the hardest part we would ever do. But that's for the best hehe. X mok nangga ktk sakit gik, xmok nangga ktk tension gik, xmok nangga ktk hilang gik. Jadi adalah lebih baik sekiranya saya yg mengundur diri. =))

You know I went to Kbox last two days with Eyra and I sang this one song, a song titled 'Saat Kau Pergi' by Vagetoz. So there's this one line in the song;

"Sepenuhnya ku menyadari bahwa cinta itu tak meski harus memiliki, namun ku akan terus selalu menyayangimu, setulusnya hati."

Mena sik mena sik mena sik? Hehehehehe. =P

My darling friends, no worries. This time I frankly am not pretending, not even a little bit. I'm obviously so fine and even relieved because I have let go of him in a much proper way, and so unlike before. =)

I'm out bye-bye.

This separation.

2011-01-25T14:41:00.015+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Lagu tok touching abis. Reminds me of Ee a lot. =')

Nasri bin Nasaruddin, if we're really destined not to be together again in the future, if we're really destined to stay separated this way until the end of time, if we're really destined not to have ourselves sharing every single thing together again like how we used to be, I just immensely need you to know that never would I forget....

The moment I started knowing you after you added me as a friend on Friendster and a few days later I said "Hai Nasri!" to you but you didn't respond and I said, "Lawa ehh!".

The moment you added me as a friend on Facebook, during school holiday you chatted with me and asked for my phone number and I gave it to you somehow.

The moment you kept on texting me which was during School's Sports Day, saying "Hai!" over and over though I was just a few metres away from you and even said "Mek mok jalan2 ngan ktk eh, tapi mek malu!" but I however was honestly annoyed with you and didn't really 'layan' you haha.

The moment you started flirting with me which was on August 17th year 2009, which was the first day of my Progressive 2 Exam.

The moments you would always go online after school just to chat with me on Facebook.

The moment you were so upset because I showed no response toward you and Asri said "Layan kan Ee ya Fyraz. Nya mena2 suka kau. Sedih nya bila kau x layan nya," and after that I apologized to you for being so and started 'layan' you again hehe.

The moment we talked on the phone for hours for the very first time that night.

The moment you topped up RM 50 on my phone credit just to prove me that you really would do it, you really meant it and you really did.

The moment you were so down when I told you things about eq, you didn't contact me for a night and on that day as well you're going back to Kuching and I was heck worried about you.

The moment you dedicated me the song "She's Gone - Steelheart" due to your frustrations.

The moment you bought me an orange T-shirt from KL sized 'M'.

The moment we rode Adib's motorcycle that night which was the first time I went out with you, which was also the moment I first touched you, which then I realized that I've fallen in love with you.

The moments you tried and struggled to make me yours.

The moments you always passed by 4T class year 2009 just to get chances to look at me.

The moments you called me 'my man' haha.

The moments you would always smile whenever you see me around and when you're with your friends they'll say "Yerr Ee.. Fyraz eh..".

The moment you got jealous when I hung out with those upper six guys during recess time and since then you wanted me to spend my recess times only with you.

The moments we had times in school together, I always nagged about your dirty school shoes cause you never washed them haha.

The moments we got to know each other even deeper and more, I told you everything about what had happened in my past before you came into my life, how hurtful and painful my past stories were, you felt sorry for me and promised me that you would help me moving on and let me out of those sorrows.

The moments we had our 'trials' for three months, you called me 'sayang'. =)

The moments you dared skipping your English tuition classes just to go out with me, I fetched you every Thursday night at 7.30 p.m. and brought you 'raon raon' cause you really wanted to even I told you not to do so hehehe.

The moments we had ourselves talking on the phone every night which then became our daily night routines.

The moments you sang me songs and made me smile ~ This I Promise You, Because You Loved Me, Unbreakable, Terbaik Untukmu, Takkan Pernah Ada, All Or Nothing, Kaulah Segalanya, Jangan Ada Dusta, etc. =)

The moments you proposed me two times, 'tembak' me, remember?

The moments you waited for me for three months.

The moments you helped me to move on, you would always be by my side at all times and helped me to stand up and never let me down.

The moment I dedicated you the song "This I Promise You - N'sync", you were so excited then you MMS-ed me a picture of a road written "F ♥ E" on it which was written by you by using 'bunga api' which was on the 28th of August year 2009, after 'sungkey'.

The moment we cherished the most, which was on the 13th of September year 2009, do you remember that still? =)

The moment you, Hani, Nana, Sarel and Wawan went to my place on the fifth day of Eid, 24th of September year 2009, I was totally surpised but excited at the same time and we're just sitting a metre away facing each other but texting plus less talking and Nana said, "Ktk duak tok maka dekat pun b'mesej juak," haha how lame.

The moments I wished you luck for all the papers you're gonna sit for your SPM, there's that early morning you called me just to inform that you're going to school for Biology papers, my dad was in the room so I was shy to talk too much so I didn't wish you luck and you sulked over me and said, "Mek x heran mun paper Bio mek fail kelak," haha kuat merajuk.

The moment you attended my 16th birthday party on the 20th of November year 2009 and bought me 'Ee Tonggek' as my birthday present.

The moment I accepted your proposal which was on the 22nd of November year 2009, you scarcely believed it and I still remember how surprised you were when I told you about that and right after that you played the song "I'm Yours - Jason Mraz" and we both listened to it on the phone, excitedly.

The moment I was in Sabah and you sent me your voice recording that night, telling me that you missed me so much and wished me our one month monthsary, and said "....haha 11 bulan gik tinggal yang. So kita duak dah deal tek nak, so kita duak jagalah hubungan kita p kmk lah yg akan jaga gik sbb mek yg start suma tok dolok nak,".

The moment I was so mad at you cause you lied to me, you're worried about me not contacting you for days until I got back to Kuching.

The moments I was admitted to the hospital due to food poisoning and you texted me saying that though you're not there with me, you'd always be by my side by hook or by crook.

The moments I felt so awkward going to school cause you're not schooling anymore, I kept on telling my friends how I missed my Form Four era just because I had you with me in school as well.

The moment you bought me an orange mechanical pencil which was on the 31st of January year 2010 and since then I used it, just only that one until I finished sitting for my SPM.

The moment I went to Nek Pak's place for late Nek Du's tahlil and met Aunty Ening and Nek Cek for the very first time, I was a little nervous cause I thought your mom wouldn't like me but I was wrong cause she's obviously nicer than just nice and very good to me even. =)

The moment I got to meet and know your relatives on your dad's side during late Nek Du's tahlil.

The moment we went out on your birthday and that night as you sent me home, before I got out of the car I gave you a present, which was a box containing a poem written on a paper created by me plus my handkerchief which has something hidden in it, so a few minutes after that you called me and said, "Berapa sayang beli beg duit ya? Pahal nyusah dirik beli barang mahal kdk ya ngn mek??" and nagged me bla bla bla for buying that 'expensive' wallet for you haha but however still you used it, even up till now, maybe.

The moment you, Asri and I went playing Badminton and we shared Chocolate Indulgence cake together and spoon fed each other hehehe.

The moment we went to Damai Beach for the first time with Asri on the 21st of February year 2010, we even watched the sunset before we went back home but a few days after that I got scolded by my parents cause I didn't tell them that I went there with you guys.

The moment I went to Topspot celebrating your mom's birthday with your family and met Uncle Troy for the very first time, which I thought he wouldn't like me but again I was actually wrong cause he's nicest than just nicer and nice and even really good to me as well. =)

The moments we always quarrelled over and over but reconciled then however.

The moment I asked you to break up with me for the very first time and you refused to let me go, and starting from that night you called me 'baby'.

The moment you wished me luck for my Mooting Competition, I was so thankful for that and gained more confidence to talk as a Senior Council then.

The moment you lied to me that you're gonna continue your further studies in Swinburne, I was upset due to that cause I was worried if any other girls there would tend to flirt with you.

The moment I was so excited and surprised when you actually entered lower six and not Swinburne haha.

The moment we went watching A Nightmare on Elm's Street which was on the 22nd of May year 2010, so called our five months monthsary, I was being so annoying and noisy and you said "Susah na embak GAI tok klua ehh," HAHA.

The moments we spent in school together before you're accepted to be an UiTM student.

The moments when I was still in Beijing, I missed you like hell so I bought a China phone number which worth RM 150 just to call you who's so far away in Malaysia and as I had already gone back to Kuching, we met and I gave you the chocolates and Panda keychain that I bought for you when I was in Beijing.

The moment I went to your place that night for your 'makan selamat' and gave you the orange buttons bracelet that you wear until now, maybe.

The moment I got to meet and know your relatives on your mom's side, they're really fun to be with, seriously. =)

The moment we broke up for the very first time which was on the 30th of June year 2010 because I was upset that you never put your trust on me but however we got back together again two weeks plus after that.

The moment you were so angry and frustrated with me because with no intention I took pictures with my ex-classmate Alvin which then made me feel so guilty for doing so.

The moment we went to The Spring on the 10th of July year 2010 to watch Eclipse but due to clash over seating arrangements we were given open tickets and on that day you're so mad at me because I talked with your friend Syafiq 'automatically' and I refused going back with you and watched another movie alone then, which made you get even angrier after that.

The moments you would always get jealous whenever I'm close with any other guys other than Hafiz, Muiz and A'n and you would absolutely then say that I'm so freaking 'kenja' and 'desperate mok carik laki lain' haha.

The moments we always got into the "break-up-then-get-back-together-again" situations over and over, frequently.

The moments you would always silently made me feel so DAMN JEALOUS when we're not together anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!! Facebook, girls, those same tactics over and over!!!!!!!!!!!

The moment you told me how excited you were when your dad finally bought you a Myvi car, though it's not orange in color but however still, you're thankful and grateful enough for that.

The moments you always reminded me that I would still be your girlfriend on last year's Eid so that you could bring me out during that Eid, you often said "Mek mok bby klua ngan kmk time raya kelak as a girlfriend,".

The moment we went buying new handphone number for each of us during last year's fasting month, I kept on surveying here and there and you showed me your sick+annoyed+moody face due to that and you said "Beli jak mana2 cya, gago juak mok mileh," haha then we chose two numbers, and you said "Cun lah number tok, mek kaco bby time bby Form 4 and mek Form 5 time ya".

The moment we broke fast at Pizza Hut, we coincidentally met Uncle Art and his family breaking fast there as well~ We were seating next to the window glass and witnessing the sun setting vaguely and I even took pictures of that and showed them to you but you said, "Jaik gamba diambik baby eh," haha but you kept them in your handphone however.

The moment you went to my place on that first night of Eid which was on the 10th of September year 2010, I was so damn nervous having you meeting my parents but you were so cool and fine and surprisingly could chat blithely with my dad even.

The moment I went to your place on that first night of Eid as well, we played 'bunga api' and 'mercun' with O'ong while waiting for Yan and Jijul to come and those fireworks really made me feel so delighted cause O'ong was being so funny and I was entertained just by seeing you angry with O'ong hahaha.

The moment that we regretted the most, which happened on the 4th of November year 2010, that night after we went to Pustaka Negeri Sarawak, remember? =)

The moment you attended my School's Graduation Day on the day before my birthday and gave me your cotton bracelet which was made by Nisa last time and also your sweater which has been my company for me to sleep with every night, even up till now.

The moment you gave me that unexpected surprised on my birthday on the 19th of November year 2010, which you hurt me till I cried very bad and a few hours after that you called me and asked me out just for a very while, I was still not in the mood and angrily I got into the car and asked you what was it that you wanted to tell me so desperately, you then brought me to one place and surprisingly showed me the Chocolate Indulgence cakes you bought for my birthday and spoon fed me with the cake then and yeah, what a touching surprise hehe.

The moment you wished me our one year anniversary, which was on the 22nd of November 2010 and which was also the day before SPM 2010 started and you said, "Finally one year juak kita baby oh," and I was feeling so freaking delighted the whole day.

The moments you wished me luck for my SPM for every paper I would be sitting for and there was a day I had to sit for my Maths Paper 1, I forgot to refill my orange pencil's lead which then made me went 'DAMN IT PENSEL AKU NAK ABIS INK' so I borrowed Azyzy's pencil only for the purpose of completing that one paper bizarrely and that night I told you about it and you said, "Gik rasa bby, sapa suroh make pensel laki lain and x pake pensel diberik mek ngn bby," haha.

The moment we quarrelled which was on the 30th of November year 2010 due to your jealousy that I went hanging out with my few guy friends and Yot and Erun after we finished studying Add Maths at my place, that night I confessed and brought up all your mistakes which you had done before, which you prohibited me from doing them but you yourself did the same things as well and I was so upset because you didn't trust me and since then you struggled to put your trust on me though it's silently hard for you to do so.

The moment we went to SCR to have our lunch together before you sent me back to school cause I would sit for my Physics Paper 3 on that evening which was on the 2nd of December year 2010, after you paid for the meals you gave me the receipt and said, "Nah simpan jak b. Tok kenangan mek first time embak bby pegi makan time bby tengah SPM."

The moment you brought me to Santubong Resort, you took pictures of me while we're on our way heading to the beach, there were times you were taking pictures of nature around you and I smiled while watching you doing so, I have no idea why but all I felt was like 'OMG I DON'T QUESTION WHY I'M SO TRULY MADLY DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH THIS GUY'. =)

The moment we went playing Badminton at KGS with O'ong, Adib and Syaraf, it was so exciting plus sweet for me, you were sweating like a freaking whole lot and I wiped them off hehe.

The moment I went to Sabah, I bought you a bracelet which has my name on it and also a pair of slippers for you to wear, which at first I thought the size would not suit you but it actually and obviously would so I was relieved then cause I would precisely be very disappointed if they can't be worn by you.

The moment we sang the song "Endless Love - Diana Ross & Lionel Richie" in your car while we're on our way fetching Gg after we're done watching Janin, having our meals at Sugarbun and buying things for you to bring to UiTM that evening at The Spring.

The moment I was burdened by so many things and again I asked you to break up with me due to that, and "being understanding", you let me go but a few days after that you did many hurtful things to me which made us until now, haven't been together back yet.

The moment we went out on the 22nd of January 2011, last Saturday, which was the day we supposed to have ourselves been together for a year and two months, we watched Khurafat and I treated you Salmon Fish Teppanyaki for lunch hehe.

The moment you were so upset and angry with me just because I didn't inform you that I went online because you expected me to do so, then you texted me a few messages of harsh words for the very first time in my life with you, telling me "...aku bencik kau start aritok.aku x kan carik kau gik.on9 jak kau siya.aku dh x kenal kau.sumpah aku bencik kau!", and the most hurtful one was when you said to me, "Aku x kenal kau".

The moment of right now, which I am reminiscing and typing and telling you about all those memories from the beginning until the end with tears rolling down my cheeks continuously.

.................................................................

We have had too many memories... From the beginning until the end, from the initial until the final, from the starting until the ending and I would really want to tell them all here but unfortunately they're too many to recall. Everything were and every single thing was shared together.. Tears and laughters, smiles and angers, jokes and confessions and all that. How could I throw away and get rid of them just like that? I am aware of the fact that those memories I've just elaborated just now aren't enough, I know I'm not capable of telling them all in here so I would just then let myself keeping the rest of the memories only in my heart. =)

The way you laugh, the way you smile, the way you talk, the way you walk, the way you joke, the way you hurt, the way you tease, the way you kiss, the way you please, the way you hug, the way you touch, the way you confess, the way you express, the way you get jealous, the way you get envious, the way you get ridiculous, the way you get fantabulous, the way you love, the way you entertain, the way you comfort, the way you console, the way you call me your baby, the way you call me your sayang, the way you call me your cinta, the way you call me your buah hati, the way you call me your life, the way you call me your everything, the way you...............

Every single thing about you is remembered consistently as well as all our precious memories, every single thing of it, each of them. I can say that I can get easily and deeply hurt because of you but I can also say that I can get immensely and madly in love with you especially when you're around, when you're with me and besides when you're just far away from me, I do miss you and even if you're just right there in front of me, I am still missing you badly. I'm telling you true and I kid you not.

I know I've been writing about you in my blog over and over, expressing and confessing my feelings over and over, my frustrations, sadness, disappointments, miseries and all that you name it. So I guess I should just stop from doing so cause I know it's worth nothing and won't result anything in order to heal these wounds I have in my heart. Therefore this time probably will be my last time time to post regarding my confessions of frustration and all that. I'd better stop. The sooner the better! =)

I admit that things are way different now, not like how it used to be and further differ from before, I'm aware of that. But you know, even if you really hate and abhor me that much, I would still smile and convince myself that I one day will move on and keep moving forward and I will still look back anyhow. People say don't look back if you wanna move on, but I do and I will. Why? Cause if I don't do so that surely means that I am no longer keeping and cherishing and appreciating all those memories of me and you that we before had gone through together. So you know, I will always look back eventhough I'm moving on, and that's how I can finally and meaningfully smile with relief cause that will definitely show that I never will abandon and forget those valuable memories that you and I had shared in our precious past before. =')

22/01/2011

Remember this one? I deleted this picture as well as the rest of the pictures in my phone in front of you didn't I? I lied. It was all genuinely fake. Unreal, untrue. Cause being frank I kept and saved them in the laptop, all of them before you witnessed me deleting them all that day. Cause like I said, I would never throw our memories away just like that, regardless of how hurting I am nor how deep my pain is, I never would. Your voice recordings, your text messages, your pictures, your contacts, your gifts. You name it, I am still keeping it. =)

If you wanna delete our memories away, throw them all away, push them aside or even eliminate them all from your life, then do so. Cause I absobloodyhellutely wouldn't. =)

I bet this is my longest post ever...................

BUT AT LEAST IT MAKES ME FEEL TOTALLY SATISFIED ENOUGH!! =D

I'm out bye-bye.

Remember all the things we wanted?

2011-01-24T11:55:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

I keep on listening to the song "Already Gone" by Kelly Clarkson over and over again without stopping it even just once. Well I remember last time Ee told me this ~ "Mun kita xda gik kelak, lagu tok lagu kita bby," which he meant was this song I'm listening to right now.

And see, it really happened. =')

"You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go," the lyrics said so. Maybe I've loved him enough, too much, more than enough that I'm letting him go right now, finally. Yes I know I've always been doing so before but at least a few days after that we got back together again. But not this time cause this time is different, obviously. It's been a fortnight which is quite long, I cannot deny that can I? After all he no longer needs me so yeah, it's better for me to let go and leave. He said he didn't know me, and never wanted to do so from now on. I, honestly, never said something like that to him no matter how so-damn-freaking-like-hell-ly angry or mad I am toward him. But he did. And I got really heartbroken due to that.

"But I want you to move on so I'm already gone," the lyrics said so. Prolly he needs to move on, so I'd better go. Maybe he could not accept the fact that for the time being I can't come back to him yet which made he feel so down and upset that he treated me that way? Like Eyra said ~ "Nya down gilak sbb ya nya jd mcm ya," but could that actually be the specific reason I had to be hurt immensely by him, just by the way he treated me awfully like that? Even I myself could not accept it, then how am I gonna come back to him again? I'm so damn dazed and confused. Being frank, I was only surprised and shocked cause it's my very first time having myself treated that way so bad by him and I really can't accept it, really. So yes, I would better leave and let him move on.

"I want you to know that it doesn't matter, where we take this road, someone's gotta go," the lyrics said so. It's not really him who's leaving, it's actually me who's doing so. That someone who gotta go is me. I may say that it really doesn't matter, but deep inside of me said it does matter, a whole lot and no one knows it. Sometimes I really have to pretend for the sake of his happiness, I did say so in my previous post didn't I? Maybe his life would be much better and merrier without me, right? He and I have taken the road which is to go our separate ways so since the road is taken, both of us would better bade farewell and live each other's life separately then. I'll miss him but that's for the best.

"Remember all the things we wanted, now all our memories they're haunted, we were always meant to say goodbye," the lyrics said so. Both me and him have always gone through all these break up situations, sometimes we got back together again in a short period of time, sometimes it took a longer time for us to be together again but this time it seems like that's not gonna happen anymore. Don't you think so? I don't know, maybe, probably. I just assume so.

But I however wonder, were we always meant to say goodbye? ='(

I'm out bye-bye.

First time.

2011-01-22T21:42:00.004+08:00

Hello Human. :D

I somehow envy you cause you do not have that kind of bad nature like mine. You're strong, patient and your convictions are never flattering, unlike me. You know I've always wanted to be like you, knowing that I can't, I can only rely on you to support me and give me strength so that I'll be able to stand up and stand by my own if one day you're already gone. TQVM. =')

And now you're leaving, I can't stop you from doing so cause you really meant those words you said didn't you? So if you think it's way better for you to leave, then I can say nothing but "Okay."

Even if my heart inside does scream and shout loudly "PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE ME HERE ALL ALONE CAUSE I AM SO DAMN LOST WITHOUT YOU I SWEAR."

But sometimes I really have to pretend for the sake of your kebahagiaan.

Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson.

I'm out bye-bye.

One wish.

2011-01-19T18:10:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

If I'm given just one wish, it definitely will be....

I WANT TO CHANGE TO MY OLD SELF BACK.

Like so much. =')

Cause I guess being someone new is hurtful and painful like a freaking whole lot.

Too bad, I have just realized it like lately.

I'm out bye-bye.

Leave.

2011-01-18T12:24:00.007+08:00

Hello Human. :D

If the only reason why you did that to me just in order to get my attention, then it's not worth it.

If the only reason why you did that to me just as a purpose of hurting me, then it's worth it.

You know why?

Cause you did it. Awesome! I'm hurting a damn whole lot can't you see? Obviously is not it? I can never accept that one reason of yours, "as a purpose of getting your attention to me."

What the eff is that kind of reason and excuse you gave me?

How am I going to accept it? I can't. I can never can anymore. Why?

You are well informed that this is my third time of getting hurt due to stupid things like that done by you. You know I EFFing abhor it when it comes to the part of involving other girls do not you? You know I EFFing abhor it when it's about any other girls other than me do not you? Yes I'm being selfish cause I'm preventing myself from hurting.

Then why in the world would you still do that?

And yes as a result, you did not get any attention from me AT ALL but you made me feel more like avoiding you and getting myself away from you instead.

Why do I have to keep on approaching you if each and every step I take hurts me a lot?

I would be just fine if I was still my old self you know. But you have always known that I am no longer the old Fyraz who once would always be just fine with everything and never bothered of anything happening around her. I'm the new one right now can't you realize? You do know that don't you? And you do know that I have changed because of you, DON'T YOU?

And you, if I do things like the ones you did, I can alwaaaaayyyysss imagine how you immensely will be surrounded by a raging fire inside of you, and what kind of words will you tell me then?

I know you know we know so I need not to tell it here cause I have experienced just too much.

I thought I could get some peace, I thought I could wisely manage the time and space which I needed before, I thought I could lessen my burdens, but never I thought it would turn out shitty much this way. And much worse indeed.

My heart is bleeding. My tears are falling.

Keep on bleeding, keep on falling.

I can forgive, but I can never forget. Why?

CAUSE THESE WOUNDS WON'T SEEM TO HEAL AND THIS PAIN IS JUST TOO REAL.

Too much even.

Sampainya hatimu oh?

Do not think that you're the only one who's hurting. Do not keep in mind that you're the only one who's deeply hurting. Cause I'm hurting even more than you do and too, always keep in mind that the depth of the pain you caused me is much deeper than yours.

I'm leaving and will be back soon as I have already felt even and much better than right now.

I need a doctor. Like badly and so bad.

Screw this. Screw that. Screw everything.

Yes I'm confessing and expressing everything here since I have no one to be my listener at this moment. I'm just too tired of keeping things down to myself and exhausted of holding them all back over and over again. Sometimes anger must be burst out and I would just burst them all here on Blogger rather than doing so to innocent people around me.

Dislike it? LEAVE.

I'm out bye-bye.

How touching. Like deeply. =')

2011-01-17T11:51:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Well I was browsing through Youtube when I suddenly discovered this.

So deeply touching. Damn deeply touching. Freaking deeply touching. =')

I'm out bye-bye.

Another confession.

2011-01-15T15:45:00.001+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Maybe? Who knows.

Btw I love the other one which is not an orchestra version more. But I love the song anyway. Meaningful, very.

I'm out bye-bye.

Perpisahan.

2011-01-15T12:26:00.005+08:00

Hello Human. :D

He says:

"Ku mengerti perpisahan ini bukan kerana kau membenci."

She says:

"Jika benar kau mengerti perpisahan ini bukan kerana ku membenci, namun kenapa masih sanggup kau menyakiti?"

I'm out bye-bye.

Confessions.

2011-01-15T01:54:00.007+08:00

Hello Human. :D

You. You do know the reasons why I asked you to let me go last time don't you? You did know that I just needed some time and space for myself didn't you? You did know that I was burdened by so many things in my life recently didn't you? You said you understood, you said you cared. But why did you hurt me and burden and even make me suffer even much many more then? Where are also those "kefahaman" and "keprihatinan" that you said you have them in you? How could you prove to me that you're actually understanding and caring if even you yourself were actually hurting me instead? By saying, "Spa srh mtk break ngn mek riya?"

How could you do that to me?

You. You as well, noticed and realized that we actually have had ourselves 'switched' didn't you? You do know that we've been together for so long and I have changed just because of you don't you? Are you actually trying to get a revenge of what I had done to you in the past? Past is past, put the past behind and look to the brighter future, forget the past and move on, you taught me those do you remember still?

Then how could you do that to me?

You. If it's cruel for you that I wanted to let you go last time, I'm sorry. You knew I did so not because I was bored being with you, not because I hated you, what more to say not loving you anymore. No and I never did. I had my own reasonable reasons for that and I just wanted to be good and wise at managing my own problems in life, not because I was being selfish with you. Even you yourself said in the first place, "Mun ya k kebaikan baby, xpalah mek lepaskan. Mek fhm k syg," but you did something hurtful yet painful to me in the end, increasing my burdens and hurt me as well.

How in the world could you do so?

You. I know the things you did were not that serious for others's opinions but for me, it's deadly serious, seriously serious, undeniably serious, damn effing serious it really did and you know what, for me, even a little mistake like that worth a thousand sins.

I wanted you back, I really did but since you meaninglessly did that to me, my heart said inevitably "No, don't," And that's why you see, we're not back together yet and sorry, I have no idea if one day we're still gonna be back together any longer like how we used to be last time.

Hahhhh. I kept on saying that same thing over and over before but in the end, still, we got back together again then.

Yot said that I was just being too emotional that I'm saying all these kind of things and sooner or later I'll be fine and get over it in the end. I get that. And her opinion was also that you were actually terribly missing me so much that you did that to me, just as a purpose of to actually seeking for my attention while I was away and not with you. Was what she said true? If it was, sorry, you had actually done something wrong, wrong way indeed. For the third time I guess? I could hardly accept it I swear.

And frankly and sorry to say, this time I'm not moving on with the blood which flows through my brain but instead, I'm flowing with the blood which runs only in my heart that's it.

Ikut rasa binasalah perasaan, ikut hati matilah hati. So what if my heart dies? The better. I would love to, so that I would no longer feel any pain in the future and that's how I can find freedom and chances to live a better life without getting myself sickened any longer.

Thanks to you, my tears have been so freaking cheap lately and yes in fact, they are. Allah jak tauk betapa sakit and sedih and kecewa and lukak rasa hati aku nektok. ='(

Anyway, did you enjoy yourself doing that to me? Did you entertain yourself much? Did you have fun?

I'm out bye-bye.

Away.

2011-01-14T16:58:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Be away. Go away. Stay away. Live away.

It's obviously been two weeks but still, I haven't gotten to know what's actually wrong with me. My mind is still elsewhere. My own self is still lost. My heart is still frozen. My tears are still shed. My life is still miserable. Yes miserable, still.

I know not what to do. I do not know what to do. I have no idea what to do.

Everything is all, I feel, like a bullshit. It's a very whole lot like that and I'm sick of it I really am.

Damn it.

I'm out bye-bye.

Sushi sweetheart please stay strong!! ='(

2011-01-11T17:58:00.006+08:00

Hello Human. :D

So today again Sushi was brought to the Vet clinic. My mom brought him, I had to stay at home cause Nadia's not feeling well. Then as my mom came home, I asked her how's Sushi and she said that even the doctor herself could not identify what's actually wrong with my Sushi. She explained that the pain he's suffering from could probably be genetically inherited to him via his mother, maybe because his immune system isn't strong enough to support him and that's why he fell sick. His life is now 50-50 ~ either to survive or die. If he's adequately tough, he'll survive. If not, you do know what will happen to him in the end don't you?

He even got diarrhea, too. And his faeces are dangerous cause it might affect the environment, regardless of the living nor the non-living organisms and thus since they're contagious, Sushi has to be separated further away from my other cats, especially Ming-Ming's kittens otherwise all of them may get infected and eventually die.

I would never let that happen so yes, I placed him in a cage located far away from Cheetah, Phantom and Mao-Mao's cage. Therefore right now he's separated away from his mother and step siblings as well. =(

He's so alone, lonely, inactive, unwell, unhealthy and all that you name it. And I'm so sad to see him suffering like that I really do. My love Sushi, PLEASE JUST STAY STRONG AND BE STRONGER AS MUCH AS YOU COULD!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I WILL ALWAYS DO LOVE YOU. ='(

I'm out bye-bye.

Sakit gigi.

2011-01-11T15:23:00.002+08:00

Hello Human. :D

MY TEETH AND MY GUMS HURT REALLY LIKE SO DAMN FREAKING MUCH.

Please, I could no longer wait till they recover. I'm so in agony. My teeth darling please get well as soon as possible, and you too my effing gums!! I could not eat. I could not even sleep. What more to talk!!

Even by just slowly opening my mouth the pain is deeply felt already.

Sakit do. =(

I'm out bye-bye.

Sushi love please get well soon. =(

2011-01-10T20:42:00.005+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Sushi is sick and yes I am so sad due to that. He's my most beloved cat and I love him just like how I love my family therefore I cannot stand to see him suffering from the pain he's suffering from right now. Yesterday I went to the Vet clinic and the doctor said that Sushi was just having a fever and after that he injected Sushi and gave medicines for him to consume.

So the medicines were consumed properly, but still no change. He's just like that, still. Weak and unhealthy. You know just now when I wanted to give some more medicines to him, I approached him and in that simultaneous moment, I smelt something very smelly, like the smell of faeces and as I was there in front of him, I saw his butt all covered with "melted faeces"! Okay I'm using a direct translation, melted faeces ~ taik cair!

And it smelt a whole lot like a shit. In fact, it was.

I could not stand it so my intention to give him the medicines stopped just like that. I did wipe his butt but I really could not wipe it until it is clearly wiped ohh no way. He kept on moving, refusing to be disturbed or touched so I was afraid if my pyjamas or myself would get in contact with "them"!! Heck no way. =(

I'm worried guys. Really worried. My Sushi didn't clean himself, refused eating or even to drink, being inactive and just by seeing him like that I already knew that he's so not feeling better inside. As a cat, I know he could never confess to us whatever things he's feeling and holding back from cause he's no homo sapien like us. But I do understand him, I really do. =(

I just want him to get better, that's all. I miss playing with him. I miss hugging him. I miss giving him a kiss on the head. I miss squeezing his belly. I miss tickling his "ball". I miss seeing him running. I miss seeing him catching whatever insects outside my house. I miss seeing him begging for foods. I miss seeing him laying himself down on my foots. I miss to see him healthy and active like before. Badly. =(

Sushi when he was still fine. =)

Fine still.....

And this is how he looks like right now. =(

Sick still... =(

I'm going to bring him to the Vet clinic again tomorrow. I don't give a jam whatever it costs I don't care cause as long as my Sushi gets fine, I'll be even finer and if he's still sick, I on the inside will get even sicker.

Get well soon my love. =(

I'm out bye-bye.

Braces no more?

2011-01-10T15:23:00.009+08:00

Hello Human. :D

After a year plus, finally my lower teeth braces are no longer sticked on my lower teeth ha ha ha. They're taken off already, all of them. WARNING IT REALLY DID HURT A LOT LIKE HELL WHEN THEY WERE TAKEN OFF. Like seriously!! I even cried because of it, for the very first time even. Sakit gila tauk? Rasa mcm gigi kenak cabut guna playar jak.

Whoaaa~ I somehow feel really awkward you know, cause yeah, I had been with them for a very long time and they had always been with me here and there, wherever I was and whoever I was with and making it brief, they had been like a part of my life haha. =D They're like the ice to my lemon tea. ;) And now they're gone~ just like........................................

Forget it. =D

Now that my lower teeth are perfectly done already, I am now moving on to my upper teeth haha. Yes, AGAIN hahaha. It's apparently the same like when I was in Form 2 though. Aww KLMJ. =P

I'm out bye-bye.

Moving on, finally. =)

2011-01-10T00:52:00.008+08:00

Hello Human. :D

I was browsing through this and that, Googled this and that, exploring this and that till I finally found something very unexpected. Actually, I was Googling for nice Korean names for girls and their meanings as well in the very first place. I was attracted to the name "Hyun Ae" which means "Wise and Loving" so I Googled it then. Frankly the name sounded so familiar to me but I hardly recalled it. As I was browsing all over, I unexpectedly discovered this one thing:

http://fyrazhyunae.blogspot.com

MY OLD BLOG!! It was like three years back ~ the year 2008. I was so damn dumbfounded to tell you the truth, I swear! I REALLY REALLY REALLY FORGOT THAT I HAD A BLOG WHEN I WAS FIFTEEN! I thought I started blogging last two years ~ year 2009. No wonder the name "Hyun Ae" seemed to be so familiar to me in the first place. Never thought that it actually has something to do with my past. Hehhh~ -.-'

So I opened the website and read everything. I didn't really have many posts posted by me there, just a very very little. As I read them, honestly, I went on KLMJ ~ which has the similar meaning with "reminiscing". But hey, going on KLMJ just now did not mean that I was reminiscing over the person I talked about on the blog. NO WAY AND NEVER WOULD IT BE. It's just that as I read them, it made me remember all those times when my life was so full of darkness and sadness and regretness just because of the horrible mistakes I did in the past before. If you read them, you will surely be reading many 'jiwang' things posted on there. I do admit, I was lame that way, sorry. My English was even "broken" and much pathetic than how it used to be now. -.-'

I'm not gloating here, I'm just telling you the truth.

If you read on each and every single post, at the end of it you'll read something about "moving on" and just fyi, I really wanted to move on throughout the time though. My past stories were very hurtful, painful, tearful and melancholic and much more and if you're in my shoes plus sitting on the same boat as mine, you will surely feel the same way as I felt and experienced before. You will hardly stand the pain, you will hardly bear the tears from coming down, you will hardly be tough and most of all you will hardly move on, like seriously.

It was frankly, really hard plus difficult for me to move on.

Not until I met Nasri Nasaruddin and got to know him better. Cause he's the one who helped me moving on and wiped away all my tears. Since I met him, I was no longer a pretender. Since I met him, I started my new life then. Since I met him, I started a new chapter in my life. Since I met him, my life was no longer dark. Since I met him, I found the light to lead me to a correct path. Since I met him, I learnt that sadness sometimes never lasts forever. Since I met him, I could smile sincerely again. Since I met him, I learnt to be a better person and mostly since I met him, I moved on.

I know I have always been saying all these kind of confessions but I just felt like saying them over and over again. =P

He taught me that my past was like a teacher of mine. He taught me to put everything behind. He taught me to never look back. He taught me to keep looking forward. He taught me to keep on moving. He taught me that being someone who smiles on the outside but hurting on the inside forever would not bring me anywhere but in misery. He taught me to be a bigger person. He taught me to be strong. He taught me not to be a pretender any longer. He taught me that every cloud has a silver lining. He thought me that everything happens for a reason. And mostly he taught me that I could move on and at last, I really did.

Why? Because I fell in love with him and knew that he's like a new life of mine. =)

"I AM MOVING ON. But i am not sure if im strong enough. I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO HELP ME TO MOVE ON. :("

"Will there be someone to save me from the dark and help me moving on?? :("

Yes, there was. And he had already done it successfully even. =)

I'm out bye-bye.

Plastic surgery. =)

2011-01-09T19:11:00.003+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Haha I've changed my blog layout hehehe. After a year plus, FINALLY! I've frankly been thinking of replacing the old one with a new one but one day as I was on my progress doing so, I suddenly thought "Eh, camne mok tuka skin oh? Lupak indah," So yeah, I cancelled it. HAHAHA.

This time I have no idea how did this one work cause I just simply clicked this and that and then as I discovered this one website and managed a few things, everything was successfully done after that. I know it's simple, but since I love orange color, you see, my blog is all orange in color. Not really all though, cause black color is also combined. =)

Haha regarding the background, I chose the bird cause it reminds me of the T-shirt my baby bought for me once. It's orange in color, and there are images of bird printed on it. I love it so much. =)

So, enjoy my new blog! Berwajah baru~ Hahaha. And I'm really really very very sorry if the color spoils your eye retinas and ruins your eye sight. Sorry lah nak? =P

I'm out bye-bye.

Feeling miserable is so much like a shit.

2011-01-07T15:51:00.003+08:00

Hello Human. :D

Do you read the title above? Do you read it clearly? I feel so miserable right now and yes, it feels so damn much many more much more like a shit. Shitty much should I say. And guess what? Just now the lame Fyraz who was me myself, asked Ee to break up with me and the reason was because I really needed some time and space for myself to think, to rest, and to feel better than how I am feeling right now. And he, being understanding, he let me go, wishing I could find for the solution myself since there's nothing he could do or help cause even he himself is at his wit's end.

I know this thing is hard plus difficult yet painful and hurtful for me a whole lot, moreover when we've always been into this "breaking-up" situation before. I'm really at my wit's end. I'm lost. I'm stressed out. I'm having bizarre attacks. I'm in chaos. My brain is dead. My mind is gone. My heart stops beating. I can't breathe. I'm dead. SO DEAD.

See, I'm so miserable.

I used to have him to comfort me and console me whenever I'm in these effing kinds of condition before but I have no idea why, just none, right now, this time, this moment, even he himself cannot cure this pain I am going through and even he himself do not understand what the heck is wrong with me cause I let him not to. I am not being selfish, I just don't have the word to say it. He did nothing, he did no mistakes at all. The mistake is just me, I'm the one who's so weird and unpredictable. And awful. And pathetic. And lame. And all that.

I'm not humiliating myself, I'm just telling you the truth.

I really can't predict and identify what is actually on my mind, I swear. It's like something is bothering me but it is vaguely identified. This gruesome thing started attacking me since last week, or probably last few days, I can't recall. In fact, I don't know when so don't ask. I just have started to feel it recently. I hate it. Damn man, I hate it so freaking much. No I don't hate it, I just ABHOR it to bits. It destroys me. It causes chaos in my life. It murders me. It kills me.

Every single thing about it kills me.

I have many listeners, my friends and Ee especially but I guess, still I have no strength to confess everything to them. I would like to but I can't, I just can't. It seems like my mouth and lips are locked, and so do my words. Like I said, it's too hard to explain, too difficult to tell. I kid you not, I'm telling you true. Damn I've started to tear up and I can't stand it. Damn it. I can't even stand up.

I can't do anything, I can't do a thing, nothing can be done.........but pray. Ya Allah, show me the way. Please just show me the correct way. :(

I'm out bye-bye.